Remember

Oh, my! Oh, my, my. Always forgetting what you know, Celeste. Losing your Zen, forgetting to slow down, forgetting to enjoy the moments for the moments. Forgetting to feel the goodness all around you. Oh how things come and go in this life, including my peace of mind, but when I get it back again, how sweet it is. Today I worked hard at crossfit, but on my drive home, I couldn't help still having the urge to run. It was such a beautiful day! I decided on a quick jog, just to enjoy this morning. As soon as I stepped outside, I took a deep breath. I began reeling from the morning's air; it smelled and felt like Heaven. I smiled so big that I started laughing. Everything felt so right and I felt so happy. It is OK to forget. We are only human. The machine sucks us in and we get lost. But as long as you remember - REMEMBER - what you've always known, everything will be as it is; Imperfectly Perfect.

Moonlight

Sometimes, what we envision in the moonlight, by the morning can't exist.

Iron and Oxygen

PRRROOOOB - LEM. Problem. When I start looking at my "problems", I talk them into dissolution. Clearly the antithesis of a solution, and I don't know if this strategy is good or bad, but Fuck our first world problems. Who needs them. Dissolute them. So I discovered that PMS serves a very important mind enlightening function for the atypical XX-er such as myself. First of all, the dreams become even more bananas than usual. Which I would say is a positive, but it really isn't when you're dreaming of spitting up blood, and not by yourself; I'm in a house full of people spitting up blood. What the fuck does that mean? According to the interwebs (which are like the spider webs in your brain, except this brain is a machine and the web isn't made of silk- think about it), it means I am suffering deep emotional stress. Well gee, who isn't? Thanks Mr. Google, you're a mother fuckin magician, with your automagic answers, gift wrapped in HTML, for our eager little minds to rip open. If I said what I was really thinking even 50% of the time, I wonder what would happen. This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Where is my mind? Where is my mind?

The Stars

The telescope was sitting on top of the wooden radiator cover. We looked through the lens and out my wrought iron window, into the western side of the sky, at the stars and the darkness of space. I thought about the space being occupied by that which I could not see. I squinted and sighed. You must have felt my frustration because you smiled at me in that knowing way.

It was seven years ago on Sunday that you died. But that night, in my dream, you looked at me and said; the Stars do not know anything about Astronomy.

I will never truly understand this world, and its orbit in which we spin. Although, I do believe that we have every answer that we will ever need, inside.

Ghosts

Sometimes a feeling, if not acted upon, will begin to fade; just as some memories do, and as the days, weeks, months, years go by, you begin to wonder if the feeling was even real.

"Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right."
"Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear."

But every so often you remember poignantly and with insane clarity, that the feeling was very real. Possibly it is a survival mechanism, that we allow certain feelings to fade, that we question what is true, so that we can begin again, so that we can move on.

"Though the truth may vary, this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore."

I do not believe in the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Every spot I guard like a diamond. Though it may fade in brilliance, I never wish to part with it. There's a fine line between remembering your past so that you can learn from it, and letting it haunt you. I do not want mine to haunt me. I do not need any ghosts.

"Just let me go, I'll see you again soon." Maybe when I close my eyes.

Bored or On Board?

Most days there are a gazillion things I want to do. I have so much energy and excitement for pretty much every day. Then I have to go to work and I think: what the fuck!? God damn reality interfering with my fun again. FUN! Go have some fucking fun why don’t you? And so I try to have fun with work too, but really I live for my personal time. It is so glorious. There is so much to do in this world! Oh, how to find the time!??

Dudes and dudettes, if you are bored, then you are not on board with life. I hear my train every night, sounding its horn as it passes through my lovely little town, and I think; I am hopping on that sucker in the AM. I am not missing that fucker no matter what. It’s my nightly metaphor, telling me, don’t forget, Celeste. Don’t forget to be present, to be on board with living life to the fullest every day. When my alarm sounds, I don’t want to turn the fucker off or hit snooze (ok, sometimes I do hit snooze), but then I think, I gots shit to do! I gots fun to be had. And fun I have.

My friend took his son to fly a kite yesterday. Oh how perfect. How free you feel when you see it soaring through the sky, blowing with the wind. How good you feel watching it, with the sun on your skin, and in your eyes, and seeping into your pores, your cells, your being. Ahhh…Sun fuel. Love that shit. I’m addicted.

My only problem in life is that I can’t live forever. But that's all the more reason to get on board that train! And it's all the more reason to go fly a fucking kite!!!

Turning and Burning

Ok, so I am thinking, as I eat this apple (very tasty apple), that we are surrounded by lava. In fact the whole Earth is burning. No shit. And in the midst of it all, we stay cool. Well, most of us do. We avoid the fire around us. And we have to, we have shit to do. We are “very busy people.”

Most days I am proud that I have no problem finding inner peace, and staying cool when surrounded by the typical, daily mayhem of modern life. I go into the mind cave. I make everything around me move in slow motion. I watch the world like a movie reel that is slowly turning. A fluid carousel of pictures, I put them in frames in my brain. Some I wish I could hang on my walls. Just plaster my fucking walls in mental images; a god damn massive memory collage of frozen life. Like when I saw the brother and sister who cried and fell to their knees at the airport when reunited. Or when I looked down on the tumultuous city of La Paz, or out at the endless sea before I jumped off that bridge in Cadiz.

But back to this fire that is raging and we are ignoring. At night, I close my eyes; listen to the outside sounds seeping through my windows. I breathe in and out with purpose. I sense my surroundings, like a ninja (for real, you didn’t know I was a ninja?), all while craziness, I still can’t seem to hear, is happening. Weather is changing, lava is boiling, tectonic plates may be shifting, drug deals are occurring, guns are firing, babies are born, someone isn’t eating, someone else may be vomiting, and I am typing. All kinds of crazy shit is happening all the time. And then here we are…just plugging along. La ti dah. La ti fucking dah.

Sometimes I wonder; does the world need more firefighters?