Locution

Feeling good lately; feeling like I am what I always knew, but sometimes forget, which is much stronger than I realize. Like a distant reminder from my past, what didn’t kill me…but as you know, memories fade and soften with time.

I don’t quite belong in this here and now, but at the same time that is why I belong. There is always something more to learn, and God knows I know this, and He only gives me what I can handle. But I am waiting for a paradigm shift, and so once again I am perched precariously on a ledge saying hmmm….let me lean over just a tad more and check out this view. I want to SEE more.

I was never one to be afraid to fall. Sometimes, falling can be more rewarding than flying…our true worth is not measured by money and "success", but in the obstacles we overcome. Maybe it is through realizing this, that one can be truly successful.

Ok, so I am perched on this ledge, with the feeling in the stomach. This is not the day I will die, so it is ok if I jump. How do I know this? I just know, trust me. Should we ever be afraid to jump if we have confidence in our desire and need to do so? Of course! We have a mind that likes to fuck with us. Ok, it helps us too. Just don’t think too hard.

There are things we must accept. There are things we can change. Can someone seriously give me some mother fuckin’ wisdom to know the difference??

Someone…? Anyone….?

“Hello, Hello, Hello….Is there anybody out(in) there????”

QUESTion #12

When it is all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?

Liberation

Ok, so a few things I wanted to say. First, I will go away for a little while after this entry, not long, perhaps a week. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I need to refuel my mind. Also, I need to squeeze in more guitar time, and now I have this harmonica I should learn/practice. I think I am giving up on Rae’s dang jaw harp….?

Anyway, before I have my short lapse, there is a story I want to mention. It begins with two buddhas sitting under a tree, taking time for simple joys in life. They are very content in their simplicity, and the fact that they have the time to enjoy the world around them. Suddenly, a very frantic man comes upon them. The man is upset because all his cows ran away. His cows are his livelihood, and now he doesn’t know what he will do in life without his cows and he is contemplating taking his own life.

The two buddhas promise the man that if they see his cows, they will certainly let him know. It is at this point one buddha turns to the other buddha and exclaims: We have a lot to be grateful and happy for in life; we have no cows to lose!

While this could be read as a story about the burden of possessions, I think it is more about the value we assign to our attachments in life. If losing your cows means that you have lost happiness or a reason to live, then I suggest letting go of all of your cows (figuratively mind you, but literally if you are so inclined). Quite possibly the biggest challenge in life is to find a deeper meaning for living that can never run away.

If you find it hard to let go of your cows all at once, try letting them go one at a time. Life is not about having the most, it is about making the most of it...everyday!

QUESTion #11

Did you ever think that maybe when your heart breaks, you should take advantage of it being wide open?

aMotion

I can be still and just breathe. I understand how to stop

But everything else keeps spinnin’ and it’s makin’ me dizzy again

Ambition has become something quite different to me now

It’s not the what, or the when, it’s the how

I am not in line. I am happy standing off to the side

I cannot lead you because I don’t want to go anywhere. I am happy in the here

I can listen to the beat when I sit, when I walk, and when I breathe

Life’s cool rhythm, don’t let it slip

What the hell are these cells that I am in?

What is this substance all around me floating?

I don't have to see it

I feel it

Amazing and invisible universe spin. Molecular motion

Makin me dizzy again

QUESTion #9 & #10

Do you think losing your mind is a good thing? And the act of finding it again an illuminating process?

Illumination

New life goal: To become a Buddha!

It seems a way for all the Great Gifts in life to co-exist inside you without overwhelming you, or without leaving you for long periods of time. I hate when they slip away, when I slip away, from that center place of Peace. It is like when you reach a place under water and you are floating, so calmly and so warm (maybe like the womb, but I don’t remember!). But anyway, you could stay there forever it’s so perfect. There is no light there, but there has also never been more. It is ironic to think this is how it is, but this is how it is.

Then you emerge and you feel quite relaxed and calm and happy at first, but then slowly it drifts into that Ether again. Do we have to keep going under to get it back? We need to get better at not letting a dissipation occur. Stop seeping out of my pores!

Anyway, the whole Mahayana concept speaks a language I can follow. It encompasses ideas and concepts that enter my mind daily, and excercises to stay in tune with those ideals. I sort of want to go live in Plum Village for a bit of time…

Ok, moving on.

A relaxed mind is a creative mind. I am not relaxed for some reason. There is something really bothering me and I can’t seem to quite put my finger on it. Possibly this is why I am turning to Mahayana. I need to practice obtaining and retaining my Zen, my Peace. Mine keeps coming and going. Daaaammmmittt!

But anyway, I spent this whole evening alone in my room when I could have gone out and enjoyed the day with people. I don’t know why, but I just wanted to be alone, finish my book, and think, or maybe not think. But I am happy with this. Plus I have things I need to understand. I need to get this subtle something in my mind that I am always trying to “get” but am always falling short of “getting”. It is like those damn balloon dreams again. They are always slipping from my grasp.

What the fuck is there? Why is something just outside of my mental reach? What the fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck is it???? Do we all feel this way? I am orbiting my own self centered, stupid little world right now aren't I? I HATE when I realize I am doing this. Fuck!

Ok, so I just thought: The Kingdom of God is within Us.

This is striking me at the moment. I understand this. I get it. Yet I can’t completely attain it. Maybe this is what is out of my reach. Sometimes I attain it. Sometimes it is there, within me, and other times I am fighting for it. I am fighting to keep it. Should I be fighting?? Fucking right I should. We should all fight for that! That, my friends, is part of the Good Fight!

Ok, another dawning moment. There is something greater to the mere act of attaining Peace and understanding within ourselves. It is what you will be able to give if you have it. This is it. This is why we all need to attain it. This can change everything. This is what I am always knowing, but not fully realizing or practicing everyday.

I said it once, and I will say it again, we are all such weak bastards.

OK, I need to relax. I should go drink some wine! ASAP!

Cheers......

Sublimation

I slept well last night; which is good. I needed it! I know I had dreams, because I have some random images on the brain, but nothing is coherent. Hmmm……maybe they will come back to me intelligibly later.

Usually I have a lot floating around in my mind, but the last couple of days, it‘s felt eerily quiet in here. Not even an echo. It's as if it doesn‘t know what to think anymore. Ha.

Surely this won’t last long and I will be back to my manic, crazy self. Good times.

I drank quite a bit this weekend, and I definitely didn’t do much in the way of constructive productivity. Well….that’s not completely true. I got in some Maddox time, moved a couple steps forward with my little side project; oh, and I remembered a couple other short parts of songs on the guitar. Sometimes, things do come back to us. What a comforting thought…

Is anything ever really lost? It’s all still there in one form or another. I remember consoling myself with this idea years ago. There is no loss, there is only energy transformation. We only feel loss because the will of change came before we were prepared for it.

I try to focus on the balance of transformations, not losses. If you spend time looking at what you lost, you may miss something greater, waiting to take its place. Even complete destruction is a form of creation. So if everything starts to fall apart, if you start to fall apart, stop to figure how you can create yourself Better, Stronger, Greater. Transformed; not lost.

I am always constructing my own world. We are always constructing our own worlds. From inside the mind cave we look out. But what are others seeing, feeling, hearing when they are looking out; or into us for that matter? Getting a sincere and unobstructed view of others and their world is rather difficult if you don’t step outside of your mind.

Sometimes I picture myself getting out, and I feel myself spreading or smearing into the Ether. The Luminiferous Ether. But since the parts of me that are getting out, I cannot physically see, I may be imagining that any of this is really occurring. Is it possible for us to undergo a phase transformation?

What does the music in your mind sound like right now? Mine is kind of like Time Travel at the moment. No words, just soft piano keys, some angelic sounds gently rising, and a little universe pulsing. Want to harmomize?

Incantation

Why would we want to turn life upside down? It is like when we are children and we pick up an Etch a Sketch, and we know that tipping it will erase it, but we can’t help the urge. Even if we like the picture, we just want to shake it up. Start all over. Tabula Rasa.

But……..this doesn’t always make sense. I am not an Etch a Sketch. And besides, I was the little girl that wanted to save the Etch a Sketch picture forever. I was the little girl that said, no don’t touch it! How can I freeze frame it??? ?? I was the little girl that saw things happening in slow motion, and then burned the images to memory.

My life’s a carousel of pictures and the spinning just won’t stop….

Did you ever lose something, and then retrace your footsteps looking for it? Sometimes, this process can reveal things we didn’t even know we lost. Don’t miss those moment(o)s. The design in mind is created by you. What are you looking to see……..???? What are you hoping to miss/forget? Do we need to look at what we aren’t seeing, to truly SEE?

She stands on edges, and ledges, and horizontal smudges of Time. The view is not hers alone, and she knows there is a huge world out there that extends well beyond the borders of her imagination. What is invisible she feels. What is invisible is amazing. And mostly, she feels invisible.

I will move through this world and it through me. I will take on the night and not squander the day. I will remember my heart and what did it say? I will listen to you, I will listen to you; I will listen to what you say.