Reflections

A friend of mine sent me an email the other day. It read: I arise in the morning, torn between a desire to improve the world, and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

He has obviously gotten to know me well.

I am always reflecting, quite possibly more than average, but I am not sure. Regardless, I just can’t stop. Sometimes I am happy to be this way. Sometimes I wish I could hit an OFF switch. I’ve gone through stages over the years, and I have oscillated. I am always trying to make sense of the world, even though I realize it is often beyond my comprehension. None the less, I have these deep down feelings of understanding. That is the best way I know how to explain it. A deep down feeling of understanding certain things that I can’t quite put words to.

When I read what my friend wrote me, at first I thought, “Exactly!” But then, I kept turning it over in my mind, and something wasn’t quite right. I wanted to resolve the dissonance. Because one can do both, enjoy and change, simultaneously.

Monday night I left my house and got in my car. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I needed to buy a backpack, so I had some direction. After I did that, I felt there was something else I had to do before going home. I pass a park everyday on my way home. This night, I stopped. I read on a picnic table until it got too dark to read, and then I walked over to the swings. I swung for almost a half hour. (It was badass).

At one point I started swinging as high as I could. I could not help but smile and laugh. I was the only one there, laughing to myself in a dark park, swinging on the swings. Sometimes I think I may be a bit crazy.

Anyway, it gets worse. Suddenly, songs kept coming to my head. But they were all childhood songs. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, On Top of Spaghetti, and Itsy Bitsy Spider. It was so weird (or possibly not since I am at a park swinging….hello…). Anyway, I start humming because I couldn’t help myself. I did this for a while, then slowed down to a stop and listened to the night in silence. I begun to spin my swing around and around, and let it unwind. Which is quite fun by the way.

In doing all of this, I thought of the email my friend sent me and realized, the changing and enjoying are certainly not mutually exclusive; quite the opposite. You cannot have one without the other. You will never change the world, if you do not know how to enjoy it, or take the time to enjoy it. Moreover, in truly enjoying the world, you ARE changing the world.

Every moment you enjoy positive energy is released into the atmosphere and it creates a force - A Beautiful Positive Power. I like to think of it as a stream flying out of you and into and through other people on its way into the sky (which clearly explains why the sky is so beautiful). The more you enjoy the world in a sincere and loving way, the more you change it. I felt good about this, and although I have thought this before, this time, I really believed it. I suddenly felt more motivated to be who I am in the best way I know how. I suddenly felt like it mattered and could make some kind of difference. For me this was a very good thing, because compared to so many people that change the world in a more obvious manner, I am always feeling inadequate.

Our thoughts are forming the world. Our actions are forming the world. We have more power in us than we know. If there is any truth to accept, it is this. So I decided and I resolved; I will wake everyday with the desire to enjoy the world, so that my power can be a part of the change I want to see.

Hip Action

I am sweating! I was just hula hooping. Oh my god, it is so much fun!

Today I played with a 3, 5, and 7 year old. I re-learned how to do a cart wheel, back bend, and hula hoop. Yes, I hesitated on my first cart wheel. Yes, I almost hurt myself on my first back bend attempt. And yes, I had a hard time re-learning how to hula hoop. Talk about frustration when you could do all three easy peasy, no problemo, forwards, backwards, eyes closed, tongue out.

How it all began:

Seven year old Olivia says, “Celeste, watch me do a cart wheel.” As I am watching her, I think, Hmmm……..can I still do one? I get up and I say, “Huh.” Of course my brother is reading my mind, “I can do a perfect cart wheel,” he says. Pfffft! Ya, right! So I try one, and I get a decent rating from the adults and kids. Of course, my brother is next. Sibling rivalry is wonderful. Except, he almost pulls a hammy, and I am not sure that he did a cart wheel per se. Fucking hilarious. Now everyone is doing cartwheels in the yard. Awesome!

Next, “Celeste, can you do a back bend?” Oh no. What did I get myself into? But now I am curious. Can I? Once upon a time I could do a back bend, a back walk over, a front flip, all of it. Now, I am pretty sure I may hurt myself, but I have to try! I start to bend backward, shit! I am already scared I am going to smack my head. What is key as a child? – No Fear. Ok, remember that. This is easy. You got this, just keep your arms stretched out and let your hands hit first. I had Faith. Holy shit! I did it. And it was easy! No problem. I do it again. Again. This is fun!

I am proud to be the only one, besides Olivia of course, that can do a back bend. My brothers attempt made us all cringe, and Amy (Olivia's Mom) refused to even try. Of course the younger kids did some form of sitting on the grass and saying it was a back bend. This served as a good laugh.

It is getting dark. It is time to go in. I am smiling. I had a good time with them. But wait, just when I think it is over, Olivia says, “Celeste, did you know that Mommy timed me and I can hula hoop for 12 minutes, and that I only quit because I got bored!” “Hmmm…” I say. Then I confess; I am not sure if I can hula hoop anymore either. “Here we go,” my brother says. Olivia was gone and back in a flash with two hula hoops. She knew she could get me to stay with this challenge.

My first attempt, I fail miserably! I look up, and there is Olivia, walking back and forth, spinning that sucker around her hips like a pro! Ok, I must get this before I can end my night. I watch her technique. I try a few more times, but can only keep it up briefly. I try again, and there it was, The Rhythm. Holy shit, it was so much fun. I stayed an extra ten minutes hula hooping. Who knew it could be so rewarding to hula hoop??? I knew it as a kid, but fuck if I didn’t forget as an adult. Why is that?

As I am leaving, I tell Olivia that by next Tuesday we can have a hula hoop challenge. I plan to practice and break her record. Ok, fat chance, I realize this, but Olivia is pumped about the challenge. She is super competitive and I adore it.

On most days, we have a couple options; we can watch our day go by and semi participate, or we can fully participate. Why would we choose to miss out!? Have we stopped fighting the good fight? Have we stopped seizing the day? And if so, why do we do this?

I realize we have so many “responsible” things to do as adults, but tell me you don’t waste time watching TV or pissing around on Facebook. I suggest canning both of these activities. Go buy a hula hoop and do what is REALLY important; have fun with the ones you love!

PS – I do not use the F word this much in front of the kids, I swear.....I mean I don't swear!

QUESTion#3

Who writes the rules?

Progression

Today I woke up, showered, dressed, and then made tea. Typical ritual. While waiting for the water to boil I stepped outside onto my back deck. The weather was perfect. Absolutely perfect. The sun was out. I could her insect noises. I heard a dog bark. I heard the wind blowing through the trees. I could hear cars in the distance. I smelled the air and it smelled like bark. The morning was so perfect I knelt down onto my kness, stretched my arms into the air, and breathed deep.

I sat there for a few minutes like this. Taking it all in. It felt so good. I stood up. I stretched my arms up again. I twisted back and forth a couple times, with my arms still raised, scanning my back yard. I smiled and stretched my arms up higher and let my head fall backward. The sun, the smell, the noises, it all felt like heaven. I could swim in them forever.

Eventually I turned and went into my kitchen, but I kept my door open so the breeze and sounds of outside trickled in. I had my stevia sweetened tea with peaches and blueberries mixed, and I thought of what to do next with myself.

I came upstairs and I wrote this because I thought.......I am getting somewhere. I feel good.

Stridulation

I think I am going to stop wearing makeup again. I can’t seem to decide. The whole process is just time consuming. Well, really only ten minutes, but still annoying. I think, what is the point? As long as I am taking care of myself, why should I put on makeup? If all women stopped trying to look so perfect, it would make it a lot easier for the rest of us that don’t feel like going to all the trouble.

I get so frustrated with the world sometimes. I certainly adore it and never want to leave it. That’s right, I want to live forever. But, I feel like focus is on all the wrong things. I turn on the TV and I think, what the F is this? And so then I just turn it back off. But then I feel so out of the loop. And then I think, what loop? I don’t want to go in circles like everyone else.

I think I got quite a few mosquito bites on my hike today. My neck is all itchy. Dammit.

Anyway, the best sounds in the world: The train when it sounds its whistle at night and I can hear it in the distance. Thunderstorms. Looooove thunderstorms! And lightining! Except I realize that is not exactly a sound. Crickets. Ah, the crickets. They are so loud outside my window. Like a marching freaking band. Loud as shit. Except a marching band really isn’t a very enjoyable noise and crickets certainly are. I guess that wasn’t a good analogy. But fuck, they are so loud right now, and I wanted to get this point across.

I read that crickets are rubbing one wing against the comb-like edge of their other wing. Some of the frequencies of their sounds mean different things, but the loudest ones are mating calls. I think I have a lot of crickets enjoying themselves tonight.

So back to the best sounds in the world, there are also the best smells in the world. Grass after it is cut, an obvious one. The smell of dirt and worms after it rains really hard. The smell of people cooking dinner when you go on a night run, and you smell different meals coming from different houses. Oh, a really good one, the smell of someone you are in love with when you are laying next to them. And not their perfume or deodorant or cologne, that gives me a horrible sore throat. I mean their real smell. Sometimes I think there is something to that. Maybe we end up with people we like the smell of. Hmmm….that would be an interesting study.

Ok, I'm back to the crickets, they are off the hook! What the hell is going on out there?

QUESTion #2

Do you practice The Speed Exercise?

Hint: It has nothing to do with speed.

Apparitions

There are individuals that come into our lives and never leave. Even after they are physically gone, they remain, although formless. Some of us may have sensed their Presence Potential from the beginning. It’s a feeling you get, and you know right away, you will love them stronger than most. Intuition. The heart sees deeper than they eye.

The mark this person made on you is astounding, amazing, one of the Great Gifts. You can’t believe you were so blessed. But at the same time, you can’t believe they are gone. You struggle with the absence of their form. You know their soul is still here because you keep part of it in you. But the desire to have them here physically will never diminish.

In dreams you see their face or hear their voice. You wake up so sure they are still alive, and then you realize, years have passed since they have passed. Tears come to your eyes, you do not sob, but tears silently flow. You close your eyes and you remember what it was like to lay next to them. If you picture them now only colors come to your mind. Like a prism of the most beautiful hues possible. And that is how you remember them, in beautiful hues.

The memories that dance in your head are those when love was the strongest presence. Come to think of it, you don’t remember a memory where love wasn’t there. Even a negative memory brings tears of love to your eyes. Any flaws they had, you realize now, were still so beautiful. You are in awe by how blind you were to this fact. You vow never to be blind like this again.

You assert this vow daily by making your love known to those you still have here. There is nothing you would not give for them, and you hope they know this. You try to show them any chance you get. There is no feeling more overwhelming than the feeling you have when you are thinking of them. You wish there was a way you could touch them and they could feel it. When you hug them you think on it, hoping that it will travel into their heart. You pray on them feeling and knowing this love daily.

When you think of those no longer here, loss is a term you cannot identify with. They are not lost. You think in terms of energy, and the fact that it is simply transformed, they were transformed. You find peace in thinking of their energy inside of you. You find strength in their energy inside of you. You find a greater life because of their energy inside of you. Suddenly, it dawns on you. Through their transformation, you were given yet another of the Great Gifts….

Configurations

She wonders why she should be overcome so frequently with nostalgia for times and places not her own. She can't see differences, only variety. There is no difference between love and empathy.

She often cannot tell where she stops and someone else begins. It's not a demarcated line. It is a fluid boundary, like the boundaries of this world; but we think they exist because we created them. It trickles down to the level of our bodies and minds. The separation is an invention to maintain sanity for that which we cannot quite grasp or understand, but if we are lucky, we aspire to feel.

The collective readiness required to handle the dissolution of the boundaries may never be obtained in all the years of the Earth. Understanding if this is something to lament is a useless endeavor. Better to appreciate and pass on the realization to those who are receptive. This is one of the Great Gifts; the realization of the lack of separation, and the contiguity of it all; both to give and to receive.

There was a time when she thought she could count the Great Gifts of the earth. Now she realizes they are limitless. She has a finite time to accumulate as many as she will let inside. Staying open and receptive, realizing perception is reality, and still she struggles. But that struggle is so glorious.

The most rewarding part of adding to the collection is becoming so full, that she must step outside, open up, and let them fly back into the sky. They are not literally leaving her. They are now a part of her heart and soul, a reflex. Her mind is simply done ruminating over them.

She thinks about the coincidences and potentials of everything surrounding her. And she smiles and laughs. Fucking Fantastic.

QUESTion

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

Donations

Sit on a bench, on a warm day. Look at the sun, a giant blessing in the sky, filling you inside with warmth, even greater than the warmth touching your skin. Filling you so deeply, it spills from your eyes. Your body tenses. Or maybe it seizes. You don’t want to cry, but you certainly could. Not all tears are sad. And these ones certainly are not. 

In those moments, I get immense feelings of….love, goodness, gratitude, appreciation. And I look at everyone going by me; beautiful, perfect strangers. I smile at those that look at me. I smile with the eyes so they know I mean it. Some I could almost give a hug. But I realize that would seem quite odd, so I just smile.

After moments such as these, I feel terribly inadequate. What I have been offering this world is surely lacking. I have been so caught up with my own day to day life that I have forgotten to step back, look up, assess my path, and see/feel LIFE. I know I am not selfish, but I suddenly couldn’t feel closer to it. What have I been taking for granted?

There is an adolescent awe for the world that gets lost as you mature and begin to do the things expected of you. You somehow managed to take the awe and store it in photo albums, boxes, journals, etc. From time to time, you take out those tangible objects and look at them. How much you have changed, grown, learned. It has certainly been a lot, and you feel proud. But there is something you can’t quite grasp, something escaping you, and you are literally missing “it,” dearly.

The it (awe) comes back to you fleetingly from time to time. After these moments, you hug your Mom longer than usual, decide to go to Church with your Grandma on Sunday, or take your child to the park and swing with them, completely enthralled by their 3 year old conversation. You suddenly feel more meaning. You suddenly see more meaning. You suddenly love, kiss, touch, and speak more meaningfully. You suddenly realize everything is what you make of it. And fuck if you aren’t pissed you are on cruise control way too often; robotically going through the motions, not appreciating the glorious energy that surrounds us all.

I will never be ashamed for realizing awe lapsing from my life. This realization is a gift we all carry with us. It waits to be unwrapped every day. A shame would be never to unwrap it. A shame would be not to notice it sitting inside of you, waiting to be unwrapped.

Everyday I think of what more I could be offering. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. But in the end, I am simply thankful for my many blessings. So I focus on remembering; remembering to truly see, feel, love, and appreciate. If it is only these things I am great enough, or strong enough, to offer this world, then I will certainly not forget to give them, or be in awe when I receive them.

Excavation

I think I lost myself. So here I am digging, digging, digging. Trying to find her/me. Digging so deep that it’s turning into a dang archeological excavation. I find myself labeling the layers so I can keep track of what I discover and where. I’m keeping all the artifacts until I know what to do with them. Until I know how to put all the pieces together, and understand what story it is they/I want to tell.

I read: Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. Maybe, it is about both.

I keep watching the world and the people go round. And round. And round. Full circle. Dogs chasing their tales. Hampsters spinning on wheels. Bodies orbiting their own minds and emotions, as if they are the center of this universe. We make our own universes just so we can orbit it in circles, staring at it like it’s something fabulous or tragic or worth it. Is it worth it? What exactly is worth it? Nothing and Everything. The opposite of a deep truth is also true. This makes sense. And of course it is so senseless.

I have something inside of me that could be very good. That could DO something very good. But when you keep something inside for too long, it turns on you. So now I feel like it’s poisoning me. A blessing turned curse. Fuck. It isn’t supposed to be a burden. It isn’t supposed to be heavy. The heft of cathedral tunes. I can hear the organ in my brain right now. This is so stupid. Sometimes I just think, everything is so god dam mother fucking stupid. And sometimes it is.

Dammit. I am like a fucking electron in an atom going from one energy state to another. Except I am more like when it is in transition. I am more like its state of entropy. Don’t I have to return to a balanced state eventually? I want to be the electron that completes an octet. Perfect fulfillment. I’d like to See. Feel. Attain. That.

I need to focus. And then my blessing can be a blessing. And of course, I will see there never was a curse. Only my weak bastard mind holding me in place. I've become a statue with a brain and moving eyes. I’m as useless and still and vulnerable.  I will wish for the fate of Pygmalion's beloved ivory.

I could pathetically ramble like this forever. Uselessssssssssssssssssssneeeeeeeeeeesss. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck.

Hmmmm…..