Sit on a bench, on a warm day. Look at the sun, a giant blessing in the sky, filling you inside with warmth, even greater than the warmth touching your skin. Filling you so deeply, it spills from your eyes. Your body tenses. Or maybe it seizes. You don’t want to cry, but you certainly could. Not all tears are sad. And these ones certainly are not.
In those moments, I get immense feelings of….love, goodness, gratitude, appreciation. And I look at everyone going by me; beautiful, perfect strangers. I smile at those that look at me. I smile with the eyes so they know I mean it. Some I could almost give a hug. But I realize that would seem quite odd, so I just smile.
After moments such as these, I feel terribly inadequate. What I have been offering this world is surely lacking. I have been so caught up with my own day to day life that I have forgotten to step back, look up, assess my path, and see/feel LIFE. I know I am not selfish, but I suddenly couldn’t feel closer to it. What have I been taking for granted?
There is an adolescent awe for the world that gets lost as you mature and begin to do the things expected of you. You somehow managed to take the awe and store it in photo albums, boxes, journals, etc. From time to time, you take out those tangible objects and look at them. How much you have changed, grown, learned. It has certainly been a lot, and you feel proud. But there is something you can’t quite grasp, something escaping you, and you are literally missing “it,” dearly.
The it (awe) comes back to you fleetingly from time to time. After these moments, you hug your Mom longer than usual, decide to go to Church with your Grandma on Sunday, or take your child to the park and swing with them, completely enthralled by their 3 year old conversation. You suddenly feel more meaning. You suddenly see more meaning. You suddenly love, kiss, touch, and speak more meaningfully. You suddenly realize everything is what you make of it. And fuck if you aren’t pissed you are on cruise control way too often; robotically going through the motions, not appreciating the glorious energy that surrounds us all.
I will never be ashamed for realizing awe lapsing from my life. This realization is a gift we all carry with us. It waits to be unwrapped every day. A shame would be never to unwrap it. A shame would be not to notice it sitting inside of you, waiting to be unwrapped.
Everyday I think of what more I could be offering. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. But in the end, I am simply thankful for my many blessings. So I focus on remembering; remembering to truly see, feel, love, and appreciate. If it is only these things I am great enough, or strong enough, to offer this world, then I will certainly not forget to give them, or be in awe when I receive them.
