Expression

Sometimes…….I don’t know where to begin.

Today I cleared a ton of trees, branches, leaves, and debris from behind my garage. I loaded a whole trailer and 8 construction bags. My brother is going to be pumped I got this done without him. It’s going to be a surprise. He works enough and doesn’t need my shit to do. Since I was working solo I decided to listen to music. I was struggling and sweating quite a bit. Felt good. Took a couple hours to get 75% of what I wanted done. I realized some of it, I will need help with. Damn being a small chic sometimes.

Anyway, when I finished, I stopped and lay on my back on my deck. I stared at the sky as daylight started its Fade. Then, it started to sprinkle. It felt like heaven to lay there and stare at the sky, with small drops falling on me, and a warm breeze blowing. I watched all the trees and the clouds move to the music. “I’ve seen you come, oh I’ve watched you go…….”

Sigh. I want to see Good and Real stick around...not go. 

I started spinning up to the top of the trees, where the leaves were beginning to turn from green to red. Fall is coming, and the leaves will surely go soon. But right now they were dancing for me, to the music. I spun like that for a while, and then I sat up and turned off my iPod. I wanted to hear the tree music. The sound of the leaves blowing was as soothing as ocean waves. So I sat for a while longer; relaxing and thinking of the evening that would unfold.

Yesterday I said: I create all kinds of distractions. But today I thought: distractions serve no purpose. I feel purpose in almost everything I do. I guess that is why I do it. I feel some form of release or fulfillment, and nothing feels hollow or empty. I thanked God for this. And Buddha, and Yaweh, and the Universe…….aahhh……you’re all so wonderful.

Do I have a capacity or am I a bottomless well?

Sometimes, I don’t know where to End…….

Construction Junction

I ask myself; what’s in me? I feel it in there, every day and always. It’s so wonderful whatever it is, and I am thankful.

Today I woke up and thought, Celeste you know what it is. Why do you keep asking yourself that question? You know it is Love. It is Love…..it is Love. >LOVE<

I am so full with it for soo many people, and for the world and sky in general, that I have to remember to breathe deeply and calmly. I need to let it flow inside of me and not flood me. I don’t want to drown. This isn’t easy to remember sometimes, but I do believe I am getting better at it. Much better.

I have so many ideas and thoughts, and I feel so Alive sometimes that I want to give some of it away because I have enough. I want to spread it around so other people can feel what I feel. It feels so good sometimes I cry. I want to know how I cultivated it so intensely. I am blessed with Great friends that have also done this. I realize this makes me love them even more. We fill each other up in an endless and glorious game of love exchange. How Perfect. 

The energy I feel is me wanting to do something with this Love. So I think about what the universe has been saying. I think about all the puzzle pieces it has given me. I know I don’t have all the pieces yet, but I also know it won’t give me them all at once. I have to start building first. And so that is what I begin doing last night. I am building and building, and then, I begin to SEE something.

What I see gets me so excited. I wrote on my whiteboard months ago “I am pleased with myself when I CREATE something.” So that is what I am going to do. Of course I will need help, but God/Buddha/The Universe/Yaweh showed me that I have everything I need. I just have to get started. We have to get started.

I loved to build puzzles as a child. And here I am as an adult, loving it still.

Imagi-NATION

He says; you are so dramatic sometimes. Is this bad? I think he likes it in a way. Mostly I am “PLAY-ing.” All the world is a stage! My stage. No, OUR stage! Come on stage with me! I promise you will have so much fun. Trust me. If there is any one you can trust it is me. This is a Promise to all my friends. Love you all so much it hurts so good.

If ever a day I was mindful, it is this day. Super Full. Full to the tippy tippy top (sigh, when am I not?). And then there is a cherry floating there too of course…..precariously floating. Mmmm, cherries are so good. Cherries are so good someone said Life was a bowl of Cherries. I totally get why they said that now, I mean, Life and Cherries are both so Fucking Fantastic.

Shit, I keep having all these thoughts, close to understanding something greater kind of thoughts, and then they slip away! Just when I think I am on to something! Maybe that’s why I keep dreaming about balloons. Always I am trying to grab them, but they keep slipping away from me and drifting back into the sky? Maybe one day (or should I say night), I will dream that I grab them and can walk with them. That’s all I want to do.

I really am on to something with realizing I am an instrument...

Did you know there is an instrument called a Celeste? Well really a Celesta. It is like a mini piano type thing and I want one BAD! BAD and STAT. Some dude used it in his symphony’s final movement titled “The Planets!” and there was one in that movie “An American in Paris.” One day, I was an American in Paris. Well, it was more like 7 days or something like that. And I met this person, well I kinda knew him already, and he was even more badass than Paris, if you can imagine that!

So anyway, back to the instrument thing, the plot thickens. There is actually a sound in music that is used, called “Voix Celeste,” which means heavenly voice, which I do NOT have. Dammit! Voix Celeste is a sound tuned slightly sharp of true pitch. I thought hmmm…maybe this is what is wrong with me. I mean, truly I am not quite "right" over here. 

Not quite right over here…….

There’s that damn echo again! What the fuck is up with that?

QUESTion #7

What did you Give this day?

Revelations

Life life life life life life life life LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

IS

AMAZIng NESS!!!!!!!!!!

Ness Ness Ness……

Is there an echo in here?

I always have all this shit in my head! Who put it there? Did I?

“I’ve got a drumming noise inside my head………it makes such an almighty sound!”

My hands are shaking. My mind is racing. The best way to prepare for life is to start living. So that is what I do; everyday.

Am I nervous? What is this energy? I can’t stop kicking my leg as they are crossed beneath this desk. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself next. How did I get this way? What happened? Is everyone like this? Tell me that they are so I can feel better.

I best stay away from caffeine Miranda says. I will listen to her. She listened to me last night when I didn’t speak a word, but she heard me and came to my rescue. We were black holes and Sun salutations and mirrors to revelations; all in my living room, with the drums in the background.

Tim and Phil say what the hell are you girls doing? You Two are so badass they say. Miranda and I say, THEY are so badass. Then we say, WE ARE ALL SO BADASS! And this is true.

Did we really Hula Hoop and balance on our heads last night? Oh, we surely did as my hip and head are feeling the pain now. Oh, and don't forget the Yoga poses. Thanks Miranda. You are the coolest girl I ever knew.....

Tim brought me The Art of Power. How did he know I am all about understanding the Power? He said he always knew; I was always like that. And so was he….that is why I love him (them). If for a minute there I lost myself, surely I have found her again; buried beneath the Ruins. The beautiful Ruins……

“All Your Light can save me……….I can wait, I can wait, for my time to come…”

See. I am not alone the lyrics say. Take me to Portugal, take me to Spain. Can you take me there? Please? But not literally……do you know what I am meaning? Portugal. Spain. They are states of mind. Beautiful states of mind in my world. Portugal is Positive Power and Spain is Stunning Strength. It is like when you are very sad as a kid, and maybe scared too, and so you pretend you are in France eating chocolate. Except this is much more complicated I guess. And you are no longer pretending, and you realize you never have to leave France because there is nothing to fear.

The Crystal Ship is being filled……

“…before you slip into unconsciousness I’d like to have another kiss……..the days are bright and filled with pain and close me in your gentle rain…….Insane. We’ll meet again……..The Crystal Ship is being filled…”

See Jim knew…..he knew about the diamonds on the inside. Is My Jim one now too?? Like a diamond in the SKY! See! The lyrics are speaking to me again. Even that song knew about the diamonds on the inside going into the sky. Holy Fuck.

Tell me where your >FREEDOM< lies. If you do not know, you are better off dead; you are the walking dead. Too many walking dead around me I notice. I would like to jolt them with some Nano Juice. I sell that shit. I can slip it in their drinks or something. Transfect them with some Life and some Freedom. Some Portugal and some Spain. Some Love and Gentle Rain. With a side of crickets! Maybe that is the drumming noise inside my head. No….no. Crickets play a different instrument. I am but one small instrument. And so are they. But they can be so loud....hmmm...then so can I/WE.

I like it when I am on to something. It makes such an almighty sound!!!

NO Separation

September 13^th was my brother’s birthday. It was a Tuesday and he had his son. I made him a steak dinner, cleaned the mess, and got him a small piece of Smore cookie cake and a candle.

Cake and singing Happy Birthday is a must no matter what age you are.

I remember when he was a baby. I liked to pretend he was mine. I gave him my blue walking smurf, my favorite toy. I thought my mom loved him more than me and I could understand why. I loved him more than me too. I know my Dad loved him more, but again this didn’t bother me. Then I got older, and we fought a lot, as siblings do. Then I became a teenager and he followed right behind me, and something changed between us.

My Mom and Jim would fight, we stuck together. We were homeless, together. We were lost, together. We were scared, together. Later, we brought our groups of friends, together. We drank together. Got high together. Went to parties and raves together. Tried other drugs together. Got in a lot of trouble together. Learned about Life together. One time we both got very Hurt, together. And now, we are still....and close as ever. Does he know how much I love him?

VISION

Nothing all that “Great” in life comes from being practical. This is not to say it doesn’t serve a very important purpose in guiding our lives. Obviously it does (particularly at places like Costco). But quite possibly, we make the biggest mistakes in the name of practicality and what seems most “Sensible” or “Right” versus what is “True.” Life is a difficult language to speak. Life is a difficult code to decipher.

I would argue that the greatest things in life come from Passion and Desire; and of course the most tragic as well. But to ignore Passion and Desire, to avoid the effort of a fight, or fear failure, is to turn your back on Potential Greatness.

However, there is a fine line between following your heart and being foolish. Maybe Faith determines where you fall; maybe Courage and a lot of hard work. Maybe it is all three, and then a million other Life factors; a complex, yet beautiful equation to which we must assign meaning.

Some of us walk away from the things worth fighting for most in life. Then we spend our whole lives fighting for many things that do not matter much. Our inner vision, our perception blurs, and knowing what is worth fighting for isn’t crystal clear. Like using your eyes to see; we are undeniably lacking clarity. Especially where the heart is concerned; “Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be an illusion…..”

So what is the answer? I am not sure there are any answers. There are just choices and decisions, and the life you live as a result. As long as you are happy and fulfilled with that life, then that is all that really matters.

“Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard…..”