Evocation

Today was a great day. Besides my right shoulder having some strange, annoying pain (what exactly do I do in my sleep???), I felt pretty fucking glorious.

I began playing guitar again, which gives me something wonderfully challenging to do with my evening. I can’t believe I quit after high school. Although, I stopped for logical reasons; I was never great and I didn’t have time with 3 jobs during college. Eventually the memory of my love for it faded. BUT, nothing to be sad about; oh the joy in rediscovery!

In addition to learning (and relearning) some songs this weekend, I was reminded of one of the reasons I appreciate music so much. It is not easy to make! The talent some people have is SOOOO A MAZE ING!!!. The value I put on music is immense, so to see others create it is like magic to me. I have tremendous gratitude for their gifts; they are gifts to us all!

I relearned some other things this weekend too. How to be patient and wait for Peace, and how to let difficult emotions flow through me, not overwhelm me. I rediscovered how to be constructive with my anxious energy. Although this is a craft I am always learning and practicing.

On Sunday, I focused on feeling closer to my Brother and Maddox. It was strange and I can’t quite explain it, but I placed myself less in my own head and a little more in theirs. I think Maddox felt it too because he was being ultra affectionate to me. This made me want to cry and I wished he could understand how he made me feel.

At some point in the middle of today I realized Peace came back to me. I was standing in my kitchen and I could feel it there. It was delivered unexpectedly after being absent for a few days. It too, was rediscovered, just like my joy for learning the guitar. I decided to step onto my deck and look at the sky and trees. I wanted to connect with it more deeply. I smiled and almost wanted to cry.

Tonight I decided to learn a song that my grandmother loved – House of the Rising Sun. When I played, I never did learn this song for her. I played her some other songs, but never this one. So tonight, this is what I did, just for her.

Surely not out of coincidence, I went to sleep with her on my mind last night. I believe she is the one that helped me rediscover my Peace today. She always did this while alive, and this was one of the reasons she was so special to me. Sadly she is not in my eyes and ears anymore, but she is in my heart and mind, which is clearly an even greater vantage point for working her charm….

QUESTion #8

What can we make of all these possibilities?

Cultivation

Intuition cannot be denied. Nor can Synchronicity, or a collective unconscious. We float into people’s lives and they float into ours, and I believe it is due to these reasons. I am always trying to make meaning of things, so here I go again.

Yesterday I felt something coming. And maybe I knew it was there all along, but I didn’t want to know, so I kept pushing it into my unconscious. But it decided to move…….into the broad day light for me to see in black and white. But now, I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with it. I have to keep it. I cannot leave it, although I would like to do just that. But I cannot let go of what I now know. I need to hold onto it and make my peace with it.

“Positive, negative, positive negative…….whenever you breathe out, I breathe in. Whenever I breathe out, you are taking it all in…….”

Nothing’s clear, when waiting for a fog to lift

But I can be there, for you, because something in me told me to

It’s too sad, to look at it as something that never got to grow

And besides, we both feel the roots of what we've sown

None the less, I can’t help this feeling that remains

And that’s the part of me that wants to rinse away the memory

But I know deep down that no body of water can wash it away

I can feel the roots of what we’ve grown

I’ll take you here

I’ll take you there

I’ll take you everywhere I want to go

And oh isn’t that so beautiful to know

That I feel the roots of what we’ve grown...

Admission

In….Out…In….Out...In…Out.

Breathe. Breathe. Focus on your breathing. Feel it, Hear it, SEE it. O2 in, CO2 out.

I tried running, stretching & meditating, balancing, and even standing and listening to the sounds around me. But still, Peace did not come.

Then I thought, hot shower. Cleansing right?

When all that failed, I decided just to breathe. And still, Peace did not come.

So, I guess I have to resort to vodka next. Isn’t that why we started making it? Sometimes we need an anesthetic. Or a god damn antiseptic! Is there anything wrong with this? Sigh. Fuck if I know.

Hey!!! Zen!!! Where did you go?!? Did you wash away with the rain?

Oh, you’re still inside of me you say. Always with me you say. I do know this. It’s just that weight in my chest that is holding you down. Give me some time. I will be able to pick it up and get it off again.

“Pick it up it’s not too strong for you……”

See…I oscillate. We all do. Who doesn’t? It is OK. You can’t know Peace without any Turmoil. There are no rainbows without any rain. And there are no diamonds without any pressure.

Oh wait…I just felt something; a slight departure. I just realized, I should be embracing this. I should invite you in if you are standing at my door. Mr. Melancholy can be pleasant. He is also a teacher of mine. I apologize for trying to hold you out. You just want to run your course and show me what you know.

Let me start over…..Come on in. Why don’t you come on in and breathe with me? What is new for me to understand? Sorry for being so rude before.

Yes, I am officially nuts.

Does our inner rain actually wash anything away, or does it just create a short circuit? Eventually the circuit will open again and a disambiguation will follow. And with this, a deeper way of seeing will occur; I don’t want to miss it.

Expression

Sometimes…….I don’t know where to begin.

Today I cleared a ton of trees, branches, leaves, and debris from behind my garage. I loaded a whole trailer and 8 construction bags. My brother is going to be pumped I got this done without him. It’s going to be a surprise. He works enough and doesn’t need my shit to do. Since I was working solo I decided to listen to music. I was struggling and sweating quite a bit. Felt good. Took a couple hours to get 75% of what I wanted done. I realized some of it, I will need help with. Damn being a small chic sometimes.

Anyway, when I finished, I stopped and lay on my back on my deck. I stared at the sky as daylight started its Fade. Then, it started to sprinkle. It felt like heaven to lay there and stare at the sky, with small drops falling on me, and a warm breeze blowing. I watched all the trees and the clouds move to the music. “I’ve seen you come, oh I’ve watched you go…….”

Sigh. I want to see Good and Real stick around...not go. 

I started spinning up to the top of the trees, where the leaves were beginning to turn from green to red. Fall is coming, and the leaves will surely go soon. But right now they were dancing for me, to the music. I spun like that for a while, and then I sat up and turned off my iPod. I wanted to hear the tree music. The sound of the leaves blowing was as soothing as ocean waves. So I sat for a while longer; relaxing and thinking of the evening that would unfold.

Yesterday I said: I create all kinds of distractions. But today I thought: distractions serve no purpose. I feel purpose in almost everything I do. I guess that is why I do it. I feel some form of release or fulfillment, and nothing feels hollow or empty. I thanked God for this. And Buddha, and Yaweh, and the Universe…….aahhh……you’re all so wonderful.

Do I have a capacity or am I a bottomless well?

Sometimes, I don’t know where to End…….

Construction Junction

I ask myself; what’s in me? I feel it in there, every day and always. It’s so wonderful whatever it is, and I am thankful.

Today I woke up and thought, Celeste you know what it is. Why do you keep asking yourself that question? You know it is Love. It is Love…..it is Love. >LOVE<

I am so full with it for soo many people, and for the world and sky in general, that I have to remember to breathe deeply and calmly. I need to let it flow inside of me and not flood me. I don’t want to drown. This isn’t easy to remember sometimes, but I do believe I am getting better at it. Much better.

I have so many ideas and thoughts, and I feel so Alive sometimes that I want to give some of it away because I have enough. I want to spread it around so other people can feel what I feel. It feels so good sometimes I cry. I want to know how I cultivated it so intensely. I am blessed with Great friends that have also done this. I realize this makes me love them even more. We fill each other up in an endless and glorious game of love exchange. How Perfect. 

The energy I feel is me wanting to do something with this Love. So I think about what the universe has been saying. I think about all the puzzle pieces it has given me. I know I don’t have all the pieces yet, but I also know it won’t give me them all at once. I have to start building first. And so that is what I begin doing last night. I am building and building, and then, I begin to SEE something.

What I see gets me so excited. I wrote on my whiteboard months ago “I am pleased with myself when I CREATE something.” So that is what I am going to do. Of course I will need help, but God/Buddha/The Universe/Yaweh showed me that I have everything I need. I just have to get started. We have to get started.

I loved to build puzzles as a child. And here I am as an adult, loving it still.

Imagi-NATION

He says; you are so dramatic sometimes. Is this bad? I think he likes it in a way. Mostly I am “PLAY-ing.” All the world is a stage! My stage. No, OUR stage! Come on stage with me! I promise you will have so much fun. Trust me. If there is any one you can trust it is me. This is a Promise to all my friends. Love you all so much it hurts so good.

If ever a day I was mindful, it is this day. Super Full. Full to the tippy tippy top (sigh, when am I not?). And then there is a cherry floating there too of course…..precariously floating. Mmmm, cherries are so good. Cherries are so good someone said Life was a bowl of Cherries. I totally get why they said that now, I mean, Life and Cherries are both so Fucking Fantastic.

Shit, I keep having all these thoughts, close to understanding something greater kind of thoughts, and then they slip away! Just when I think I am on to something! Maybe that’s why I keep dreaming about balloons. Always I am trying to grab them, but they keep slipping away from me and drifting back into the sky? Maybe one day (or should I say night), I will dream that I grab them and can walk with them. That’s all I want to do.

I really am on to something with realizing I am an instrument...

Did you know there is an instrument called a Celeste? Well really a Celesta. It is like a mini piano type thing and I want one BAD! BAD and STAT. Some dude used it in his symphony’s final movement titled “The Planets!” and there was one in that movie “An American in Paris.” One day, I was an American in Paris. Well, it was more like 7 days or something like that. And I met this person, well I kinda knew him already, and he was even more badass than Paris, if you can imagine that!

So anyway, back to the instrument thing, the plot thickens. There is actually a sound in music that is used, called “Voix Celeste,” which means heavenly voice, which I do NOT have. Dammit! Voix Celeste is a sound tuned slightly sharp of true pitch. I thought hmmm…maybe this is what is wrong with me. I mean, truly I am not quite "right" over here. 

Not quite right over here…….

There’s that damn echo again! What the fuck is up with that?

QUESTion #7

What did you Give this day?

Revelations

Life life life life life life life life LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

IS

AMAZIng NESS!!!!!!!!!!

Ness Ness Ness……

Is there an echo in here?

I always have all this shit in my head! Who put it there? Did I?

“I’ve got a drumming noise inside my head………it makes such an almighty sound!”

My hands are shaking. My mind is racing. The best way to prepare for life is to start living. So that is what I do; everyday.

Am I nervous? What is this energy? I can’t stop kicking my leg as they are crossed beneath this desk. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself next. How did I get this way? What happened? Is everyone like this? Tell me that they are so I can feel better.

I best stay away from caffeine Miranda says. I will listen to her. She listened to me last night when I didn’t speak a word, but she heard me and came to my rescue. We were black holes and Sun salutations and mirrors to revelations; all in my living room, with the drums in the background.

Tim and Phil say what the hell are you girls doing? You Two are so badass they say. Miranda and I say, THEY are so badass. Then we say, WE ARE ALL SO BADASS! And this is true.

Did we really Hula Hoop and balance on our heads last night? Oh, we surely did as my hip and head are feeling the pain now. Oh, and don't forget the Yoga poses. Thanks Miranda. You are the coolest girl I ever knew.....

Tim brought me The Art of Power. How did he know I am all about understanding the Power? He said he always knew; I was always like that. And so was he….that is why I love him (them). If for a minute there I lost myself, surely I have found her again; buried beneath the Ruins. The beautiful Ruins……

“All Your Light can save me……….I can wait, I can wait, for my time to come…”

See. I am not alone the lyrics say. Take me to Portugal, take me to Spain. Can you take me there? Please? But not literally……do you know what I am meaning? Portugal. Spain. They are states of mind. Beautiful states of mind in my world. Portugal is Positive Power and Spain is Stunning Strength. It is like when you are very sad as a kid, and maybe scared too, and so you pretend you are in France eating chocolate. Except this is much more complicated I guess. And you are no longer pretending, and you realize you never have to leave France because there is nothing to fear.

The Crystal Ship is being filled……

“…before you slip into unconsciousness I’d like to have another kiss……..the days are bright and filled with pain and close me in your gentle rain…….Insane. We’ll meet again……..The Crystal Ship is being filled…”

See Jim knew…..he knew about the diamonds on the inside. Is My Jim one now too?? Like a diamond in the SKY! See! The lyrics are speaking to me again. Even that song knew about the diamonds on the inside going into the sky. Holy Fuck.

Tell me where your >FREEDOM< lies. If you do not know, you are better off dead; you are the walking dead. Too many walking dead around me I notice. I would like to jolt them with some Nano Juice. I sell that shit. I can slip it in their drinks or something. Transfect them with some Life and some Freedom. Some Portugal and some Spain. Some Love and Gentle Rain. With a side of crickets! Maybe that is the drumming noise inside my head. No….no. Crickets play a different instrument. I am but one small instrument. And so are they. But they can be so loud....hmmm...then so can I/WE.

I like it when I am on to something. It makes such an almighty sound!!!

NO Separation

September 13^th was my brother’s birthday. It was a Tuesday and he had his son. I made him a steak dinner, cleaned the mess, and got him a small piece of Smore cookie cake and a candle.

Cake and singing Happy Birthday is a must no matter what age you are.

I remember when he was a baby. I liked to pretend he was mine. I gave him my blue walking smurf, my favorite toy. I thought my mom loved him more than me and I could understand why. I loved him more than me too. I know my Dad loved him more, but again this didn’t bother me. Then I got older, and we fought a lot, as siblings do. Then I became a teenager and he followed right behind me, and something changed between us.

My Mom and Jim would fight, we stuck together. We were homeless, together. We were lost, together. We were scared, together. Later, we brought our groups of friends, together. We drank together. Got high together. Went to parties and raves together. Tried other drugs together. Got in a lot of trouble together. Learned about Life together. One time we both got very Hurt, together. And now, we are still....and close as ever. Does he know how much I love him?

VISION

Nothing all that “Great” in life comes from being practical. This is not to say it doesn’t serve a very important purpose in guiding our lives. Obviously it does (particularly at places like Costco). But quite possibly, we make the biggest mistakes in the name of practicality and what seems most “Sensible” or “Right” versus what is “True.” Life is a difficult language to speak. Life is a difficult code to decipher.

I would argue that the greatest things in life come from Passion and Desire; and of course the most tragic as well. But to ignore Passion and Desire, to avoid the effort of a fight, or fear failure, is to turn your back on Potential Greatness.

However, there is a fine line between following your heart and being foolish. Maybe Faith determines where you fall; maybe Courage and a lot of hard work. Maybe it is all three, and then a million other Life factors; a complex, yet beautiful equation to which we must assign meaning.

Some of us walk away from the things worth fighting for most in life. Then we spend our whole lives fighting for many things that do not matter much. Our inner vision, our perception blurs, and knowing what is worth fighting for isn’t crystal clear. Like using your eyes to see; we are undeniably lacking clarity. Especially where the heart is concerned; “Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be an illusion…..”

So what is the answer? I am not sure there are any answers. There are just choices and decisions, and the life you live as a result. As long as you are happy and fulfilled with that life, then that is all that really matters.

“Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard…..”

QUESTion#6

Who is the richest person you know; which person in your life has the most diamonds on the inside?

?Fiction?

While making my Green Tea this morning, I realized that I assign dual explanations to most things in the world; both Scientific and Fantastic explanations. I thoroughly enjoy assigning my own explanations more than you can imagine, and although I appreciate the Science behind many things, as Coldplay once said, “Science and Progress don’t speak as loud as my Heart…….”

So, we might as well start there; our Heartbeat.

Scientifically, a heartbeat is the noise made after a flow of blood moves through the heart and valves shut. But I say; it is also the rhythm of our soul. Which would explain why, when around someone we really like, it can sometimes beat faster. Souls can exchange energy, which causes each soul’s rhythm, or Heartbeat, to increase.

This theory also explains True Laughter more clearly, because as the soul gets too excited or happy, it releases some of the rhythm in the form of laughter so that your heart doesn’t have to handle all the energy on its own. Moreover, if the laughter is caused by someone you are with, you can show them that they made your heart/soul so full of energy that you had to smile and laugh.

This brings us to Tears (not literally). A scientist would say tears are secretions of the glands that clean and lubricate the eyes. Sure, but much more than that, they are a symbol and reminder of our vastness. That’s why they are salty. To remind us that like the ocean, we have a depth and seemingly limitless horizon inside of us, and sometimes we need a release, happy or sad, and so we cry.

Let’s move to Nature; how about rainbows? A rainbow is the spectrum of light created when the Sun shines onto droplets of moisture in the Earth’s atmosphere. But I would say a Rainbow is a messenger. It reminds us that those beautiful colors are there all the time. We just can’t always see them. A rainbow’s purpose is to communicate that our vision is limited, and our world is so much more than we see.

Then there is the sky; the glorious sky. This non scientific explanation was influenced by Ben Harper and his song “Diamonds on the Inside.” I relate to what he is trying to say and I often think of those awesome people I know and love, and how much I appreciate their diamonds on the inside. I think that some of us are so diamond rich on the inside, that we have to let some of that richness out into the world again. The energy in the form of diamonds leaves us to go back into the sky; which clearly explains all the stars. Luminous balls of diamond plasma. And of course our Sun is the result of Jesus’ diamonds being let out, as he was the most diamond rich of us all, and that’s obviously why we call it the “Sun” (Son).

I could go on forever, so I will end with our lovely sky. Which quite possibly we will all end with one day when we have to give back all the diamonds we’ve earned and collected through the years. Make a big deposit when it’s Time….

Retrospection

I have a memory from my childhood that I am certain is mine, but my Mother will tell you it isn’t possible for me to have this memory. I suppose she is right, and it must have been a dream, but how can a dream stay with you for so long that it feels like a memory…?

I am 5 years old. I am sitting on my bed. I am also sitting on my hands. The patch quilt my mom made me covers my bed. I love this quilt. It is my favorite possession. My bedroom is the last room in the hallway of our trailer. My brother’s crib is across from me and I am watching it. He is in it and asleep. My bedroom door is open and I look to my left and down the hallway to see what my mom is doing. She is sitting on our couch, hunched over, long black hair covering her face. I know she is crying and I think I know why.

I look to my right, where the fourth wall of my bedroom is missing. My Dad sealed this part of the room off with a heavy, thick construction plastic. There is a corner that has fallen, but since it is summer, I am not worried about it. I can see the sky through this fallen corner of the plastic. It is blue. I can see part of a cloud as well. This makes me feel better and so I get an idea to make my Mom feel better too. I get up, pull the whole plastic cover down, then I sit back on my bed. I clasp my hands in my lap and I stare out into our yard and into the sky. I am so happy that I decided to take down the plastic.

I realize my Mom doesn’t notice what I’ve done so I call down the hallway to her. She doesn’t hear me, and she never notices that I took down the plastic for her.

Illusion

She awoke slowly and could feel she was in the arms of someone who loved her. She could tell by the feeling of comfort. She turned her head to look at his face, but He was three men at once, and this startled her. Suddenly, she felt a sense of urgency, and she sat up quickly. She realized she was in the bed she slept in as a teenager. She was in her room as a teenager. She looked through the bedroom doorway, which was supposed to lead into her brother’s room, but instead it lead to a living room. Various people from her past were scattered throughout the space, sleeping.

She leapt out of the bed and to her feet. He asked her if she was OK and if she was back from where she had gone? She didn’t understand Him, but at the same time, she understood Him. He was The Protector. He was doing his job. She loved him for this. She turned to look at herself in the dresser mirror, her dresser mirror. She was stunned to see someone with sandy blonde hair, bangs, blue eyes, and lips not her own. The reflection was not hers and she felt more lost than ever. She also realized she had no memory of anything recent. She wasn’t sure how she got here or what happened the night before, but she knew something of significance took place.

She looked back at Him and He said; you are beautiful. The Protector was gone. This was The Catalyst speaking now. She knew he meant what he said, but what scared her was that she didn’t know what face He saw. And so she ran downstairs.

When she got into the kitchen it was full of the same people from the living room. Now they were awake; eating and talking to one another. When they saw her, she could tell they were looking at her strangely. She didn’t understand why and this was unsettling. So she ran through the front door, and into the night. She was in a yard she did not know. She looked up at the sky and it began to rain. Then it began to storm and the whole yard started to flood. It filled with water and became a deep pool almost instantly, and now all those same people were there swimming around her. They were making it a whirlpool and it was making it difficult for her to keep her head above the water. She wanted them to stop, but they were laughing, having fun, and didn’t notice that she was drowning.

Suddenly Time sucked everything dry and there was only pavement and she was cold and laying on it. A huge truck was driving towards her, but she was paralyzed and couldn’t move out of its path. It drove on top of her and she pushed up on the tires as hard as she could, and to her complete amazement, she flipped the truck over and away from her. The ease with which she did this was odd, and she knew something was very wrong. Was she dreaming, hallucinating….??

She is in an empty garage now, the truck which she overturned is gone, and she turns to see everyone behind her, just staring. She can’t tell what their faces are saying, so she gets up and heads out of the garage and toward the day light. She makes it out of the garage and looks up at the sky. It is bright out, sunny, warm. She has no idea where she is, and she is lost more than ever. At the same time she is happy to be alone and standing in the sun. She doesn’t know which way to go, so she stands still. She looks down at her hands and knows that something is missing.

eMOTION

I spent the day talking with someone wonderful, not to mention a sincere and true friend. We were discussing Life in general, how much we have learned over the years, and how much we appreciate what we once took for granted. I was touched that he thought I was a huge influence on his own depth and realizations. To say I learned a lot from him as well would be an understatement. Gratitude.

Like begets like, and so the gratitude within me became even greater….lovely.  

I also spoke with someone I haven’t seen in years. She was with her son, who is now 2 ½. There was something in her eyes and smile, and I could tell she was very happy from the inside out. She was beautiful, from the inside out. It was very touching, and I liked her presence. Motherhood.

Next, I ran into a former customer who was, after all these years, still coming into the Diner after his Karate session, having his coffee, chatting with his friends, and then heading on with his day happy as a clam. Simplicity.

I went to my first college game at Heinz Field. I was kept very busy watching all the different groups – the Cheerleaders, the Dance Team, the Band, the Student Fans, the Older Fans, the Security, the Vendors, and of course the Players. Everyone was doing their own part to make the game culture what it is. I was thoroughly entertained watching this dynamic. The Plays on the field were just a part of the bigger picture that we miss when at home on our couch. Energy.

Later, when at Lowe’s carrying Maddox, he and I laughed at each other, just for the sake of laughing. Forehead to forehead at times, laughing harder at each other as we both continued to laugh. What an amazing feeling. Love.

Basically I floated in a mist of positive emotions the whole day. Hmmm…that is exactly what it was….A Whole Day.  

QUESTion#5

What is one of your favorite memories and did you save a memento of it?

reCOLLECTION

Tonight I cleaned out the drawers of my dressers and found a new place for all my shit. Soon my bedroom furniture will be gone, so I will have to adopt a new morning routine. The whole time I’m organizing, I keep wondering, how did I slowly acquire so many Tshirts? I will tell you how, every concert and city I went to, I got a T shirt. What the hell was I thinking? Half of them suck and I never wear them. Some of them are cool though. Especially if they are that soft T shirt material, I wear the shit out of those. The others, I keep as some ridiculous memento of….what?? Hey I was here, I saw blah blah blah. Whoopie. The experience is stored in my head so why did I get this stupid T shirt?? Dumb. Hey, that would be kind of funny to put on a T shirt!

Oh, and guess what, most of the T shirts I still saved! What the hell am I going to do with myself?

Ugh.

Anyway, it feels good that I got that taken care of. I only have a couple more nights in my bed. The lady might buy my mattress too, but I think I may decide to keep it. Go back to sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I did that for most of my life anyway, so it should be a cool kind of nostalgic regression. Hmmmm….

So in addition to the T shirts I saved a bunch of other dumb shit. Plane tickets, concert tickets, museum tickets, movie tickets, tea fortunes, Chinese fortunes, old letters, cards etc, etc. I am not sure how I feel about these mementos. It was kind of cool to find them, but at the same time, I thought, what the fuck do I save this shit for? And still, I didn’t throw any of it away. Ridiculous.

If I ever leave this house I will miss it. I remember when I first moved into it, what a fucking trip. For over a year I lived in a hell-hole construction zone. I was so motivated then. I am still pretty motivated, but then I was just nuts. I would get up at 6am, run 8 miles, shower, go to work until 6pm, come home, sand, paint, poly, stain, scrub, strip, you name it, until 2am. Then repeat over again. I did this for over a year straight! Plus I worked every damn weekend, and had been for years. What the fuck was I taking?? I think I was possessed. The me then, compared to the me now, is a lazy POS. I am like a spoiled brat now. Every weekend off! Most evenings I am free to do as I please. I am so lucky now.  

Back to this house; I really do love it. It’s like my friend. It totally has a soul. I feel so safe in it too. Sometimes I don’t lock my doors because I feel like there is a force field around it and it is impermeable to criminals or anything bad for that matter. Well, except for those stink bugs we had last year. They kept getting in, and then one day they just disappeared. I think that was the first time I was ever truly mad at my house. I remember thinking, why are you letting these horrid things in!? What is funny is that most bugs I don’t even kill, I put them back outside. But those fuckers, I hated. I am so glad they magically disappeared, but for weeks straight, damn if I didn’t kill one every day. Disgusting.

I am going to the Diner in the morning for breakfast. I can’t wait for that. I haven’t been there in forever! I can’t wait to give Mike a hug. I hope he knows I still think of him and his family often. We kicked ass working together. We were an awesome Team. And we had fun, laughing most of the day. Making jokes and fucking around. Good times.

I think I will get a veggie omelet when I go. Mmmm. That sounds so good. Doused in ketchup! Heinz ketchup! Diner coffee….awesome. I wonder who I will see? I wonder how I will feel? I always get a little anxious before I go. I am stepping back in time. It feels so odd, but so good, but kind of sad, but still good, and then a little weird, I get flash backs, I miss certain things so much, and then time to go, and then I think, huh, well that was nice, and interesting.

I guess that’s life….nice and interesting.

Potentiation

People say; nothing stays perfect forever. Metals tarnish, clothes wear, looks fade, and friends go separate ways. Some cannot deal with these inevitable occurrences, but it is simply change, not loss, and perfection is a perception. Unfortunately we have idealized perfection to the point that its own unique phases are missed, and the true meaning of the word has been eroded. I will decide how to see my world, and to me, it is almost always perfect, even when it is sad, confusing, or chaotic.

 Life can be emotionally and mentally exhausting, but it is usually me creating this state. Often times, we think we know what we want, but aren’t happy once we have it. We are always looking for something outside of ourselves, instead of within. I keep trying to look within as much as possible. I get frustrated with myself for always focusing on my own life and needs, as if others around me don’t have their own worries. When I see the dynamics of all our lives in my minds eye, like molecules of an organic reaction, I see how amazing it all really is. Despite the changes, fluctuations, unexpected or undesired outcomes, in the end, the whole process is fantastic. And the outcome is only undesired if you choose to see it that way. Reality is a real mind fuck.

Today I felt like I did everything as if I was outside of my body. It was an interesting experience. It may have had a little to do with the fact that I skipped lunch. But anyway, I felt a bit like I was hovering just outside myself, and I was watching myself move through everything. I thought, hmmm…..I am an interesting little sucker. I kept looking at everyone else too and thought, jeez, we are all so interesting. I stop sometimes and close my eyes and pretend that I stop it all. I don’t want it to stop permanently, but just for a moment. So I can enjoy the perfection of that moment, before the next one comes. But it moves so fast. And Time too, just like reality, another mind fuck. WE created it. What if we add an extra month or two to the calendar year??……I would be years younger! Would this change the decisions I make in life. Should I make decisions based on age or time, which is an arbitrary invention and fascination? Truly, your guess is as good as mine.

The world we choose to see and the person we choose to become is something we cultivate everyday, until it is hard to see the view that others may have. I try to remind myself how important it is to think of all the views and possible ways of seeing a situation. This is not easy and can cause your mind to feel slightly explosive. But when you keep the fire alarms from sounding, and do not fight the overwhelming feeling, that’s when you feel reality’s elasticity and understand perception’s blind spots.

We all have to decide how we will choose to view the world. In this sense, life is about creating yourself, creating your world. At the same time, we all have to decide what kind of person we want to become within that world. We have pluripotent souls, and we have to choose which one we want to stimulate. In this way, life is about finding your self, a self, from within.

I once thought it important to be with someone who sees the world the same as me. Now I realize it is important to be with someone who knows we all view it different, and there is nothing imperfect or problematic about that. Quite the opposite; it is a potential and a perfection that can facilitate and stimulate our own growth. We would be so lucky to walk a day in someone else’s shoes……

QUESTion #4

Did you think you had to fall apart to see how all the pieces fit together?

Ocean

She stood at the edge of beach, where the salt water mixes with the sand, and she looked up at the Moon and Milky Way. Sometimes, she feels that Milky Way inside her chest; making her as endless as the ocean and the sky in front of her.

The water feels like bath water. She knows she won’t be able to resist going in much longer, even if she is clothed. She wants to feel part of it all. She doesn’t want to feel separate; she isn’t separate. Walking into the water, it rises from ankles, to knees, to shorts, to chest. And then she lets herself fall, until she is submerged. She is underneath now, where the silence and warmth feels primal and soothing. But eventually she rises above, tasting the salt on her lips, smiling, and laughing. She looks at the half moon above her, raised and ruling the water she is worshiping, and she feels invincible.

She is as happy as a child in a warm bath before bed time. Only she isn’t a child anymore, and so somehow, the smile and laugh, which is as sincere as if she were, is that much more valuable and precious. She suddenly realizes this moment is a rarity and she quiets her laugh, relaxes her smile, breathes deep, and traps the memory and feeling inside her with all the others. I’ll never let this one go she thinks. She turns and sees the people she loves standing behind her at the beach. She is so full right now. Suddenly she begins to feel that Milky Way inside her making its way back into the sky, where it belongs. Now, she is not separate.

destiNATION

Have you ever read Celestine Prophecy? It is an amazing book to read. I read it exactly when I was supposed to, and the book will attest to this.

Today I was on an airplane on my way to see two people I love very much. On the plane, I was finishing a glorious story by a great writer; The Pilgrimage by Paulo Cohelo. Before beginning the book, I started thinking about certain things I had thought on heavily a decade ago (possibly even longer ago). I didn’t know what the book was going to be about, but it began exactly where my thoughts wanted to visit once again.

I remember the day I bought The Pilgrimage. I purchased it because I like another of Paulo’s stories (The Alchemist), and I liked the title. I never read the back of the book like I often do. I saw it on the shelf, grabbed it, bought it.

Something tells me, I didn’t choose this book; this book chose me.

Anyway, as I neared the end of the story, it described an exercise that involved relaxing and listening to the world around you. It continued, when your mind enters a truly relaxed state, let yourself hear the songs of your childhood. I thought…….I literally just did this exercise the other night and described it in my previous post. As the book resolved, I realized it was resolving what I have resolved, so many times before. I thought, I am reading this book exactly when I was meant to.

Sometimes we need to be reminded of what we already know.

The end of the book had blank pages titled: “Reflections.” My last blog was titled this very word. It was the first time I noticed the blank pages at the end. I did not know where the story would lead, or that the story and I were on the same trajectory. How did this happen? Also of mention, I read the last sentence of the book as the wheels of the plane hit the pavement. Something about this struck me. I like it when things strike me in this manner. I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that point in time.

We are all on a path. Sometimes the universe speaks to us and tells us if we are going in the most honorable and true direction. It gives us signs. Sometimes when I receive these signs I think it is so extraordinary. Then I realize, and I know; this is happening to us all, ALL the time.

The universe is constantly speaking to us and sharing its wisdom. So many of us listen and respond, but many of us don’t even hear it. There have been periods in my life that I was more in tune with hearing it and also periods when I was less in tune (or even ignoring it). What is no coincidence is that I am a happier, healthier, greater person when I am listening more carefully.

The difficulty for me now isn’t in hearing the universe. This has become reflexive. The difficulty now is knowing how to respond. Understanding and Feeling the Power that lies within us is the first step. Actually taking the journey to exercise our Power is the next and far more difficult step. Figuring out how to use your Power requires a lot of Faith and Courage. Fear and Doubt come prepared for a fight. How can we best prepare, and what do we gain if we are Victorious? Should I allow myself to believe in Perpetual Amazing Grace? It would be something worth fighting for Everyday, so why the hell not? How sweet the thought.........!

QUESTion#3

How will you exercise your Power?