Divine Intuition

Who taught you to pray as a child?

When I was a little girl, my grandmother taught me how to pray. “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name….”

My favorite prayers were: “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep…” and “Guardian Angel, Guardian Dear, to whom God’s love commits me here. Ever this day, be at my side, to light and guard, to rule and guide.” The first was one of my favorites because it spoke of the soul and of death, which intrigued me. I adored the second because it spoke of unconditional safety, which comforted me. I can picture her sitting beside me right now, as if I am still that little girl, and she is teaching me for the first time.

A few years later my Mother would create an award winning painting of my brother and I, praying, bedside, in our pajamas, with a window above the bed showing the night sky. My Grandmother displayed this painting in her home until she died. My father gave it to me years later. The best and only gift he thoughtfully gave me.

To me, my grandmother was a saint. She taught me about love and wanted me to know God. I am not sure if I ever knew him, or ever will know him, but I knew her and she knew me. That, to me, was God.

When my Grandmother fell ill my Christmas revolved around seeing and being with her. Since she passed, it has never felt the same. There are many things that have never felt the same since she and my Stepfather, Jim, passed away. 

This Christmas I felt my Grandmother and my Stepfather's presence very strongly; they were talking to me, comforting me, laughing with me. Coincidentally, my Mother gave me Jim’s quill pen desk set that was monogrammed with “Captain Jim Hyde.” Unlike my Father, my mother has given me many, many gifts over the years, but this one was particularly special. Maybe Jim was talking to her too…

Communication

Sometimes, forgetting is so easy. Other times, it is nearly impossible.

I just got back from the antique store down the street. I always make a point to tell the owners how much I adore their store, and they love to hear this. Today I made some very special buys that my grandmother would love. You know what I love? That she is always with me. Especially now, at Christmas time. I love to hear her talk to me.

And guess who has been with me for about 8 days now??? Jim. Loud and clear in my brain all the time, just talking up a storm. Yesterday I was in such a hurry. I was running back into the house and I slipped and fell on my wet, stone pathway. I cut my hand and got my jeans dirty. All I could hear inside my brain was Jim saying, as he did so many times before when I was a child, "Slow down, Celeste." I sat there for a minute and decided to talk back to him. I sighed and said, "I know, Jim. I know. You are right. I will." And I got up slowly.

I feel so good about life. So thankful. Gratitude in full force and right on time because Christmas is coming!! I can't wait to see Maddox open his gifts. I can't wait to ring in the New Year at Raeanne's, and I can't wait to see what 2012 will bring. Things have already begun to change and I just know something special is going to happen in 2012. I don't know what it is yet, so it feels like Christmas in my mind all the time right now. Something is waiting to be opened!

Precipitation

This morning I woke up to snow. It is a beautiful thing to wake up to snow when you are in a warm home.

Justin called me to see when I was picking up him and Maddox to go to my Mom’s. I realized; I am fully back to my old routine now. I had about 6 cups of my green tea garden mixed with cinnamon cardamone and stevia, so now I am ready for my shower. Ha! I tell him I will be there shortly.

We put up the tree and made cookies last night. Maddox had a blast. He is a glorious and amazing 3 year old. It is wonderful to have Stacy here. It feels odd (sad) that Uncle Ray isn’t here too. Sigh. Fuck. One more time…..FUCK.  

Things have changed and I feel more change coming…

What else is this I feel? I am not quite sure. Maybe it is acceptance, or maybe readiness.

“In spite of the weather, we can learn to make it together…”

Present Position

Being home feels good. Seeing my brother and Maddox feels beyond good. I open the door, I see their faces, and I feel the most amazing feeling in every cell of my body. I feel so lucky to feel so happy.

Christmas is coming. The cold is here. The snow is on the way. Life is amazing in more ways than I can comprehend.  
A short time ago I was in another time zone, another climate, a different altitude. I am back in my time and place. I am home. Stacy is home. Graciella, Luciana, and Lucia have a new home.

The future hangs over our heads, and moves with each current event....

We cannot see what is coming, but when it arrives, we can do something great with it.

Affection

On the third day of building I awoke to the sound of rain. I knew work on Graciella's home wouldn't be feasible, and I felt a degree of concern about our progress. Since we built on land that wasn't flat, the foundation took quite a bit of time. I realized we weren't going to finish the house completely by Friday for the closing ceremony. At breakfast we decided we would work Saturday and have the closing that day instead. We will finish as much as we can, and the masons will finish the rest after we've gone. Although not ideal, we all accepted it. With the day to ourselves, we discussed how to spend it. We unanimously decided to visit Father Alfredo's.

As we entered the gates of the orphanage, two girls, Carolina and Natalia, were peeking at us from around a corner. We stood in an open courtyard that connects multiple small houses, a little chapel, a main office, and a recreation building. I immediately felt a very positive feeling from the entire environment. It felt welcoming, warm, and peaceful. After a few minutes, Carolina and Natalia decided to fully emerge. They greeted us with smiles and giggles.

Shortly after, an orphanage Mother greeted us and showed us each home. We met all the children and they showed us their rooms. Each bed was meticulously made, their clothes were perfectly folded and organized in their closets, and personal photographs, homemade art, and decorations adorned their respective bed areas. The kids pridefully showed us which bed was theirs. Carolina took my hand to lead me around as she pleased. Hearing the mothers explain how the orphanage functions was quite moving. The children were very happy, and the mothers went to great lengths to develop a sense of home and family for the children. They did an amazing job.

As we moved back to the main courtyard I heard guitar and drums coming from the chapel. I immediately recognized the melody, and curiously walked to see who was playing. It was three little boys and an older, blonde haired boy. They waved me into the chapel and I walked up to them, the older boy, Lucas, put his hand out to me. As I took his hand, he pulled me forward to kiss my cheek and say, nice to meet you, in English. He had a German accent, which was out of place. He explained he was from Germany volunteering for a couple years. He was spending most of his time teaching the children how to play music. How awesome! I immediately took a liking to Lucas.

As the rest of the gang strolled in, I asked Lucas if they would play us a song. He said, sure! They were excited to play for us, but not nearly as excited as I was to hear them. Everything seemed surreal and I had an intense feeling in my chest. Then, to top it off, they began playing Zombie by the Cranberries. My cousin Chris and I loved this song growing up. I instantly recalled him jokingly singing it to me as kids to cheer me up. I sat on a bench in that chapel, listening to Lucas and the kids play, thinking of Chris, and I couldn't help but cry. I felt incredibly happy, and incredibly sad, all at once.

The band played a couple more songs and then we were ushered into the recreation room. The children wanted to put on a small performance for us. The kids took turns dancing Capoella in pairs while music played and we clapped. I was honored to see how talented they all were. Honored and humbled!

As we left the orphanage, Lucas and the bass player came over to say good bye. We hugged and kissed, and Lucas offered to take a group picture with my phone for us. I am going to frame it.

While driving away, the kids waved and smiled at us, telling us to come back soon. I felt sad thinking that I would likely never be back. But on second thought, it is hard to tell what the future will bring. I took a brochure from the main office just in case...

A Solid Foundation

I stand beside a small hand painted sign that reads: Graciella Villaroel, Lote 31. It is 95 degrees, and the sun is intently radiating on us and the land. The dirt and cement blow from their respective piles in the breeze. I grab my shovel and wheel barrel, and walk back to the stone pile, we need 3 more loads.

Graciella, Baby Luciana, and Mama Lucia. These are the names of the family that will live in the house. Graciella is 26, her baby Luciana only a year, and Lucia looks in her 40's. Emma, Les, Sabash, Mike, and I, work with the masons Gari, Marciello, Oscar, and 13 year old Cero (Junior). We are all here to do whatever the Masons tell us. The first two days consist of digging holes, shoveling sand and stones to make concrete, and hauling brick. The work feels good, but I know I will be sore in the morning. We will all be sore in the morning.

The hours before lunch are long, but we look forward to what homemade meal the family will bring us that day. We set up chairs in the half finished home next door for shade, and appreciate the awesome meal prepared for us. Food and water never tasted so good!

Sabash is in his 50's. Today he worked too hard in the heat. His hands are shaking and he says he isn't hungry. Heat stroke. We all go back to work and he stays behind to recuperate. Nicole brings him a rehydration pack. That evening he decided to sleep instead of joining us for dinner. By morning he says he is ready to work again. He spent the entire next day in the hole laying brick. He's an amazing person.

At dinner Tom tells us about himself. He has three adopted children, one from Guatemala, one from Columbia, and one from New York. He is currently putting them all through college. Les is here with his niece, 16 year old Emma. Although an Uncle rather than a Father, you can see the powerful and positive impact this man is having on her life. I think of my stepfather Jim. Gordon and Greg came together, they have been friends for over 50 years. I smile thinking of Miranda, Rae, and I in 30 years. We are so lucky to have each other.

Tonight, I lay in bed thinking of Luciana and her muy bonita ojos de morena. I wonder if she will go to college one day, and if she will travel to the United States and elsewhere one day. I hope that she does. I hope that opportunity can somehow find her in her new home, in the neighborhood of Andelita. Minutes later, I am sound asleep...

Anticipation

Entering the city of Santa Cruz was nothing like entering the city of La Paz. Of course, there are not many cities that boast a grand entrance of 1,000 feet down the Andes. The cab ride itself was an unforgettable adventure.

Santa Cruz feels like a different country compared to La Paz. The climate is tropical, the feel is more Americanized, but run down, and the population is young. The city square is the main attraction. The cathedral and marble plaza are a spectacular sight, and there are endless shops for eating and shopping. Tonight we enjoyed a dinner from a roof top, and became acquainted with fellow volunteers. The caliber of people on these type of projects never ceases to amaze me. Quite humbling.

Our hotel is in a suburban district, about 10 minutes from the town center. We will be building homes about an hour from here, in a poorer region of Santa Cruz. Tomorrow we begin the day visiting former Habitat for Bolivia homes. The construction is similar to those we built in Guatemala. Mainly cement block, rebar, and mortar. I am anxious to see the build sights and meet the families.

It has been an interesting adventure thus far, and the best part is yet to come. My body has had a tough time with the sudden altitude and temperature changes, but I feel ready to work. We begin actual labor on Monday. I cannot wait.

Elevation

Immediately upon arrival, I felt the change in altitude. La Paz airport is the highest in elevation of any airport in the world. While making my way through customs, I felt the elevation sickness getting stronger and myself getting weaker. I had a massive headache, felt sick to my stomach, and extremely sleepy. God bless a medic station in the airport ready to handle foreigners who get elevation sickness. They were out of altitude medicine, as it was the end of the month and rations were depleted, but they gave me oxygen. This sufficed, although I still had a headache and my breathing was comprimised.

Feeling stronger, I made my way to the city. The descent down the mountain was spectaclar! My only wish was for the taxi to slow down! Hotel Estrella, (star in Spanish), was perfect for me to stay. After I settled in, I was off to explore the streets. I was continuously made aware of the altitude. There were mountains surrounding me, and my heart raced walking up hills or steps. Little by little I adjusted, and was able to enjoy myself to the fullest.

Bolivia is gorgeous. The vibe in La Paz is overwhelming. Thoroughly entertained by the sights and the people, I could walk in circles in this city for days. Today I toured the San Francisco museum. The garden and the church inside were amazing. I was one of the only people touring it, which made for a surreal experience. The little girl following me allowed me access to the main altar and a crypt. She showed me stairs to climb to the roof of the church. When I got to the top, I was in awe!

A breathtaking (literally) view of the city, with the huge mountains in the background, surrounded me. The bell tower, the large cross, the corrugated roof, it all seemed so perfect. The weather was warm with a slight breeze. I sat up there a while, just taking it all in.

I wish I could project this courosel of pictures from my mind to yours! And the feeling! What a feeling...

A slight rain fell as I walked through the city this evening. The rain drops made a soothing noise on the vendor tents. It added to the sounds of the people and the night all around me. I walked to a park and watched the kids playing. A little girl smiling and laughing reminded me that although I am surrounded by a foreign language, laughing and happiness translates the same for us all. Everything is so different here, but this is the same everywhere. Thinking on this, I smiled too.

Expansion

We are such strange creatures, such weak bastards, such beautiful beings.....all at once. It's no secret, yet we rarely think on it. What we are; our limits, our power, our small universe, quite intense. Entropy and Elegance.

I got off the ground today, with the feeling in my stomach. The feeling that I am about to see and understand more; reach a little beyond the ordinary. Stretching is good, expand your universe.

I realized certain things over this past decade that will make the coming decades even greater. I think on this and realize, not much further now. Night turned to day and the Sun cancelled out the Moon. The view of the mountains from my small window is breathtaking and enormous. Wow. I am almost there...

Appreciation

It is amazing how quickly life can change. Sometimes the swiftness of it all can be overwhelming. What you thought was, suddenly is not. And although you wanted to believe in certain things lasting forever, you were reminded they simply cannot.

Change and grow, appreciate the seasons of the Earth and appreciate the seasons of your life.

I am cooking with my Mother. I chase Maddox and give him a hug and kisses. I think of Stacy and try to concentrate on sending her Love. I think of everyone not physically with me that I love. Silently I give Thanks for all that I have.

Omniscience

The universe is all knowing. It knows all that was, all that is, and all that will be. It knows our souls and it knows our hearts, so be sincere in all your actions.

I've been challenged in the past couple weeks- immensely. What I've learned; take nothing for granted. And if you do, never miss the Universe reminding you to be grateful. If the Universe has to give you a little Hell, open up and let it in. You may realize something Great.

Speculation

Can you ever truly know a person? Can you ever truly know their heart, mind, and motives? You can speculate and speculate, but often futilely. The truth is always eluding us.

People are so beautiful. We can love children not our own, give when we do not have, and possess an empathy and compassion so deep that it moves us to tears. But we also have a dark side, which can lie, be selfish, and hurt others. I don't like knowing that side of people, especially of those I love.

Nothing is ever what it seems. I can't stop thinking that today. I'm thousands of feet in the air, so I lift the window shade to look at the sky. The sun shines on the plane's metal wing, light refracts off all the white clouds. The sun's rays are so lovely. But what warms us and sustains us can also burn us.

What the fuck is going on? Sometimes, it is hard to tell...

Incorporation

Everything is a learning process. Take your experiences, really digest them, and turn them into wisdom. That is powerful. That will bring you strength, understanding, and peace. When there is someone or something in your life that contributes to the sunshine in your brain, and suddenly the lights go out, don’t worry, we were created in the darkness.

Human Condition

Sometimes people let us down.

I can see the moment their terrible decision was being made. If we love the person enough we put ourselves in their shoes, and somehow, we understand. The ill will, the desire to hurt anyone wasn’t there, but yet it happened. Did they see the potential for causing so much pain, and choose to ignore it?

Bury your head in the sand. Pretend your actions are only affecting you. Meanwhile I just moved my hand through the air and the whole world moved. The most important connections in life are invisible. Always do the right thing. Or at least what you perceive as such. Karma won’t fuck with good intentions.

Sometimes, life turns into a muddy bog. We find ourselves wading through it, trying not to be sucked under, like Atreyu and his horse. But the sadness wants to bring you down. Never be afraid to struggle. Stay centered. Go where you wish without a fear. Find harmony amid great pain. Keep peace in your heart.

I place expectations for those I love on a shelf. If they want to take them down it is their choice. But it still hurts to look at the shelf, when it is full and collecting dust.

Divination

Sometimes I do things, just for the fuck of it….

On Friday I walked down cardiac hill in Oakland. It was sunny. A little warmer than expected, so I didn’t wear a jacket. I felt cool and very awake; alive and very open. When I walked passed Eye of Horus, I decided to go in. I haven’t been in the seemingly bizarre magic shop in about a decade because I am not a witch, and any previous visits were for amusement. But on this day, I was ultra curious and felt motive. I turned the handle on the glass door, and moved from the sunlight into the small, dark shop. It was covered wall to wall with strange supplies on shelves and in jars.

I knew why I was there, but I only realized it at that moment. I have no intention of subscribing to any beliefs inside, but recently the historical relevance, and also the collision of imagery and ideology of something in particular caught my intrigue. And so the investigation began….

Can I help you?

Probably more than I can help myself. Do you have Tarot Cards?  

We have a lot of Tarot Cards.

Oh. Hmmm. Any Egyptian in origin?  I had no idea there were so many (as I stare at a selection of about 70!!).

Yes. Here.

Twenty five bucks later and I am on my way.

Don’t misunderstand my mind. I am not a mystic and I have never been to a psychic, and I realize Tarot originated as a game. None the less, I wanted to understand where and when the Mystical Tarot began, how the art form or practice works, and I thought it would be a fun tangent.

People often say; nothing is what it seems. This is so true! I have found that Tarot Cards are quite complex. First of all, I have 78 different cards to memorize, each of which has 4-7 words associated with it. Also, the alignment and juxtaposition of the cards can change the meaning. It is quite subjective like anything in life, and I think that it takes a very intelligent person to give an unbiased and technical reading as the cards demand.

I have only done a few formal readings, but I have learned quite a bit already. It is the psychological aspect that I like most about the cards. They cause people to become very introspective and aware. They make people think about their life situation, their choices, and who they are. I guess this was their main purpose to begin with when the occult adopted them. 

Maybe this artful and colorful deck is simply a means for feeling and communicating with what is inside of us. A bridge between the visible and the invisible. A beautiful tool for introspection!

Let me know if you want a reading. I need practice...

QUESTion #13 & QUESTion #14

Do you go after what you believe in?

If it is the process of making mistakes that makes us wise, why are we so afraid to make them?

Sentimental Formation

Oh my, this day. I just couldn’t get with it today, so I decided to give up trying. Sometimes you just have to say Fuck this. Fuck It.  

On my drive home, during which I was planning to make tea and then sleep, I started crying because I felt a little sick and then I was hit with missing Jim and my Grandma so much that I almost couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like the wind was completely knocked out of me. The realization of how long they have been gone, and how much I still miss them took over me completely and I felt in shock and slightly paralyzed. And then….a breath in and a breath out, and it became sorrow I could manage.

Shit happens. Shit happens. Shit happens. Deal with it.

Betty said yesterday, have you heard of Friendship Ridge hunny? Have I?? Are you serious Betty? She was there she said. I wonder if I ever saw her and if she knew my Grandma. I didn’t ask, but I told her I heard of it...

Are all these memories from this life? Seems like too many and I am still so young. Hmmm….thank God we are endless.

“You have a Quest honey.”

I do?

“I believe that you do.”

Why are you gone?

Silence.

Theory. How about a theory?

Do you believe in past lives and soul mates? I am not sure if I do, but I was thinking that if I did, maybe it works like this; Perhaps just as cells divide, every so often our souls divide when we die. Thus, two identical souls inhabit two new and different bodies. The number of times you have lived, died, and divided will determine how many of your soul counterparts are out there roaming this planet.

Maybe our counterpart soul divisions are our Soul Mates. Maybe Eve was Adam’s first soul division. Maybe we have multiple soul mates roaming the Earth that we may or may not ever find, and they can be male and/or female. And maybe only good souls have the Power to divide. Only the Good Souls. Ya, I like that.

It is fun to speculate about random things in which most people do not believe. I believe in everything and I have Faith in everything. I have Faith in every day, minute, second, and thought. And I think everything is possible, and I think everything is amazing, and I think that I don’t even know the half of it, but I would like to someday.

Someday…..

Locution

Feeling good lately; feeling like I am what I always knew, but sometimes forget, which is much stronger than I realize. Like a distant reminder from my past, what didn’t kill me…but as you know, memories fade and soften with time.

I don’t quite belong in this here and now, but at the same time that is why I belong. There is always something more to learn, and God knows I know this, and He only gives me what I can handle. But I am waiting for a paradigm shift, and so once again I am perched precariously on a ledge saying hmmm….let me lean over just a tad more and check out this view. I want to SEE more.

I was never one to be afraid to fall. Sometimes, falling can be more rewarding than flying…our true worth is not measured by money and "success", but in the obstacles we overcome. Maybe it is through realizing this, that one can be truly successful.

Ok, so I am perched on this ledge, with the feeling in the stomach. This is not the day I will die, so it is ok if I jump. How do I know this? I just know, trust me. Should we ever be afraid to jump if we have confidence in our desire and need to do so? Of course! We have a mind that likes to fuck with us. Ok, it helps us too. Just don’t think too hard.

There are things we must accept. There are things we can change. Can someone seriously give me some mother fuckin’ wisdom to know the difference??

Someone…? Anyone….?

“Hello, Hello, Hello….Is there anybody out(in) there????”

QUESTion #12

When it is all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?

Liberation

Ok, so a few things I wanted to say. First, I will go away for a little while after this entry, not long, perhaps a week. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I need to refuel my mind. Also, I need to squeeze in more guitar time, and now I have this harmonica I should learn/practice. I think I am giving up on Rae’s dang jaw harp….?

Anyway, before I have my short lapse, there is a story I want to mention. It begins with two buddhas sitting under a tree, taking time for simple joys in life. They are very content in their simplicity, and the fact that they have the time to enjoy the world around them. Suddenly, a very frantic man comes upon them. The man is upset because all his cows ran away. His cows are his livelihood, and now he doesn’t know what he will do in life without his cows and he is contemplating taking his own life.

The two buddhas promise the man that if they see his cows, they will certainly let him know. It is at this point one buddha turns to the other buddha and exclaims: We have a lot to be grateful and happy for in life; we have no cows to lose!

While this could be read as a story about the burden of possessions, I think it is more about the value we assign to our attachments in life. If losing your cows means that you have lost happiness or a reason to live, then I suggest letting go of all of your cows (figuratively mind you, but literally if you are so inclined). Quite possibly the biggest challenge in life is to find a deeper meaning for living that can never run away.

If you find it hard to let go of your cows all at once, try letting them go one at a time. Life is not about having the most, it is about making the most of it...everyday!

QUESTion #11

Did you ever think that maybe when your heart breaks, you should take advantage of it being wide open?

aMotion

I can be still and just breathe. I understand how to stop

But everything else keeps spinnin’ and it’s makin’ me dizzy again

Ambition has become something quite different to me now

It’s not the what, or the when, it’s the how

I am not in line. I am happy standing off to the side

I cannot lead you because I don’t want to go anywhere. I am happy in the here

I can listen to the beat when I sit, when I walk, and when I breathe

Life’s cool rhythm, don’t let it slip

What the hell are these cells that I am in?

What is this substance all around me floating?

I don't have to see it

I feel it

Amazing and invisible universe spin. Molecular motion

Makin me dizzy again

QUESTion #9 & #10

Do you think losing your mind is a good thing? And the act of finding it again an illuminating process?

Illumination

New life goal: To become a Buddha!

It seems a way for all the Great Gifts in life to co-exist inside you without overwhelming you, or without leaving you for long periods of time. I hate when they slip away, when I slip away, from that center place of Peace. It is like when you reach a place under water and you are floating, so calmly and so warm (maybe like the womb, but I don’t remember!). But anyway, you could stay there forever it’s so perfect. There is no light there, but there has also never been more. It is ironic to think this is how it is, but this is how it is.

Then you emerge and you feel quite relaxed and calm and happy at first, but then slowly it drifts into that Ether again. Do we have to keep going under to get it back? We need to get better at not letting a dissipation occur. Stop seeping out of my pores!

Anyway, the whole Mahayana concept speaks a language I can follow. It encompasses ideas and concepts that enter my mind daily, and excercises to stay in tune with those ideals. I sort of want to go live in Plum Village for a bit of time…

Ok, moving on.

A relaxed mind is a creative mind. I am not relaxed for some reason. There is something really bothering me and I can’t seem to quite put my finger on it. Possibly this is why I am turning to Mahayana. I need to practice obtaining and retaining my Zen, my Peace. Mine keeps coming and going. Daaaammmmittt!

But anyway, I spent this whole evening alone in my room when I could have gone out and enjoyed the day with people. I don’t know why, but I just wanted to be alone, finish my book, and think, or maybe not think. But I am happy with this. Plus I have things I need to understand. I need to get this subtle something in my mind that I am always trying to “get” but am always falling short of “getting”. It is like those damn balloon dreams again. They are always slipping from my grasp.

What the fuck is there? Why is something just outside of my mental reach? What the fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck is it???? Do we all feel this way? I am orbiting my own self centered, stupid little world right now aren't I? I HATE when I realize I am doing this. Fuck!

Ok, so I just thought: The Kingdom of God is within Us.

This is striking me at the moment. I understand this. I get it. Yet I can’t completely attain it. Maybe this is what is out of my reach. Sometimes I attain it. Sometimes it is there, within me, and other times I am fighting for it. I am fighting to keep it. Should I be fighting?? Fucking right I should. We should all fight for that! That, my friends, is part of the Good Fight!

Ok, another dawning moment. There is something greater to the mere act of attaining Peace and understanding within ourselves. It is what you will be able to give if you have it. This is it. This is why we all need to attain it. This can change everything. This is what I am always knowing, but not fully realizing or practicing everyday.

I said it once, and I will say it again, we are all such weak bastards.

OK, I need to relax. I should go drink some wine! ASAP!

Cheers......

Sublimation

I slept well last night; which is good. I needed it! I know I had dreams, because I have some random images on the brain, but nothing is coherent. Hmmm……maybe they will come back to me intelligibly later.

Usually I have a lot floating around in my mind, but the last couple of days, it‘s felt eerily quiet in here. Not even an echo. It's as if it doesn‘t know what to think anymore. Ha.

Surely this won’t last long and I will be back to my manic, crazy self. Good times.

I drank quite a bit this weekend, and I definitely didn’t do much in the way of constructive productivity. Well….that’s not completely true. I got in some Maddox time, moved a couple steps forward with my little side project; oh, and I remembered a couple other short parts of songs on the guitar. Sometimes, things do come back to us. What a comforting thought…

Is anything ever really lost? It’s all still there in one form or another. I remember consoling myself with this idea years ago. There is no loss, there is only energy transformation. We only feel loss because the will of change came before we were prepared for it.

I try to focus on the balance of transformations, not losses. If you spend time looking at what you lost, you may miss something greater, waiting to take its place. Even complete destruction is a form of creation. So if everything starts to fall apart, if you start to fall apart, stop to figure how you can create yourself Better, Stronger, Greater. Transformed; not lost.

I am always constructing my own world. We are always constructing our own worlds. From inside the mind cave we look out. But what are others seeing, feeling, hearing when they are looking out; or into us for that matter? Getting a sincere and unobstructed view of others and their world is rather difficult if you don’t step outside of your mind.

Sometimes I picture myself getting out, and I feel myself spreading or smearing into the Ether. The Luminiferous Ether. But since the parts of me that are getting out, I cannot physically see, I may be imagining that any of this is really occurring. Is it possible for us to undergo a phase transformation?

What does the music in your mind sound like right now? Mine is kind of like Time Travel at the moment. No words, just soft piano keys, some angelic sounds gently rising, and a little universe pulsing. Want to harmomize?

Incantation

Why would we want to turn life upside down? It is like when we are children and we pick up an Etch a Sketch, and we know that tipping it will erase it, but we can’t help the urge. Even if we like the picture, we just want to shake it up. Start all over. Tabula Rasa.

But……..this doesn’t always make sense. I am not an Etch a Sketch. And besides, I was the little girl that wanted to save the Etch a Sketch picture forever. I was the little girl that said, no don’t touch it! How can I freeze frame it??? ?? I was the little girl that saw things happening in slow motion, and then burned the images to memory.

My life’s a carousel of pictures and the spinning just won’t stop….

Did you ever lose something, and then retrace your footsteps looking for it? Sometimes, this process can reveal things we didn’t even know we lost. Don’t miss those moment(o)s. The design in mind is created by you. What are you looking to see……..???? What are you hoping to miss/forget? Do we need to look at what we aren’t seeing, to truly SEE?

She stands on edges, and ledges, and horizontal smudges of Time. The view is not hers alone, and she knows there is a huge world out there that extends well beyond the borders of her imagination. What is invisible she feels. What is invisible is amazing. And mostly, she feels invisible.

I will move through this world and it through me. I will take on the night and not squander the day. I will remember my heart and what did it say? I will listen to you, I will listen to you; I will listen to what you say.

Evocation

Today was a great day. Besides my right shoulder having some strange, annoying pain (what exactly do I do in my sleep???), I felt pretty fucking glorious.

I began playing guitar again, which gives me something wonderfully challenging to do with my evening. I can’t believe I quit after high school. Although, I stopped for logical reasons; I was never great and I didn’t have time with 3 jobs during college. Eventually the memory of my love for it faded. BUT, nothing to be sad about; oh the joy in rediscovery!

In addition to learning (and relearning) some songs this weekend, I was reminded of one of the reasons I appreciate music so much. It is not easy to make! The talent some people have is SOOOO A MAZE ING!!!. The value I put on music is immense, so to see others create it is like magic to me. I have tremendous gratitude for their gifts; they are gifts to us all!

I relearned some other things this weekend too. How to be patient and wait for Peace, and how to let difficult emotions flow through me, not overwhelm me. I rediscovered how to be constructive with my anxious energy. Although this is a craft I am always learning and practicing.

On Sunday, I focused on feeling closer to my Brother and Maddox. It was strange and I can’t quite explain it, but I placed myself less in my own head and a little more in theirs. I think Maddox felt it too because he was being ultra affectionate to me. This made me want to cry and I wished he could understand how he made me feel.

At some point in the middle of today I realized Peace came back to me. I was standing in my kitchen and I could feel it there. It was delivered unexpectedly after being absent for a few days. It too, was rediscovered, just like my joy for learning the guitar. I decided to step onto my deck and look at the sky and trees. I wanted to connect with it more deeply. I smiled and almost wanted to cry.

Tonight I decided to learn a song that my grandmother loved – House of the Rising Sun. When I played, I never did learn this song for her. I played her some other songs, but never this one. So tonight, this is what I did, just for her.

Surely not out of coincidence, I went to sleep with her on my mind last night. I believe she is the one that helped me rediscover my Peace today. She always did this while alive, and this was one of the reasons she was so special to me. Sadly she is not in my eyes and ears anymore, but she is in my heart and mind, which is clearly an even greater vantage point for working her charm….

QUESTion #8

What can we make of all these possibilities?

Cultivation

Intuition cannot be denied. Nor can Synchronicity, or a collective unconscious. We float into people’s lives and they float into ours, and I believe it is due to these reasons. I am always trying to make meaning of things, so here I go again.

Yesterday I felt something coming. And maybe I knew it was there all along, but I didn’t want to know, so I kept pushing it into my unconscious. But it decided to move…….into the broad day light for me to see in black and white. But now, I just don’t know what I am supposed to do with it. I have to keep it. I cannot leave it, although I would like to do just that. But I cannot let go of what I now know. I need to hold onto it and make my peace with it.

“Positive, negative, positive negative…….whenever you breathe out, I breathe in. Whenever I breathe out, you are taking it all in…….”

Nothing’s clear, when waiting for a fog to lift

But I can be there, for you, because something in me told me to

It’s too sad, to look at it as something that never got to grow

And besides, we both feel the roots of what we've sown

None the less, I can’t help this feeling that remains

And that’s the part of me that wants to rinse away the memory

But I know deep down that no body of water can wash it away

I can feel the roots of what we’ve grown

I’ll take you here

I’ll take you there

I’ll take you everywhere I want to go

And oh isn’t that so beautiful to know

That I feel the roots of what we’ve grown...

Admission

In….Out…In….Out...In…Out.

Breathe. Breathe. Focus on your breathing. Feel it, Hear it, SEE it. O2 in, CO2 out.

I tried running, stretching & meditating, balancing, and even standing and listening to the sounds around me. But still, Peace did not come.

Then I thought, hot shower. Cleansing right?

When all that failed, I decided just to breathe. And still, Peace did not come.

So, I guess I have to resort to vodka next. Isn’t that why we started making it? Sometimes we need an anesthetic. Or a god damn antiseptic! Is there anything wrong with this? Sigh. Fuck if I know.

Hey!!! Zen!!! Where did you go?!? Did you wash away with the rain?

Oh, you’re still inside of me you say. Always with me you say. I do know this. It’s just that weight in my chest that is holding you down. Give me some time. I will be able to pick it up and get it off again.

“Pick it up it’s not too strong for you……”

See…I oscillate. We all do. Who doesn’t? It is OK. You can’t know Peace without any Turmoil. There are no rainbows without any rain. And there are no diamonds without any pressure.

Oh wait…I just felt something; a slight departure. I just realized, I should be embracing this. I should invite you in if you are standing at my door. Mr. Melancholy can be pleasant. He is also a teacher of mine. I apologize for trying to hold you out. You just want to run your course and show me what you know.

Let me start over…..Come on in. Why don’t you come on in and breathe with me? What is new for me to understand? Sorry for being so rude before.

Yes, I am officially nuts.

Does our inner rain actually wash anything away, or does it just create a short circuit? Eventually the circuit will open again and a disambiguation will follow. And with this, a deeper way of seeing will occur; I don’t want to miss it.

Expression

Sometimes…….I don’t know where to begin.

Today I cleared a ton of trees, branches, leaves, and debris from behind my garage. I loaded a whole trailer and 8 construction bags. My brother is going to be pumped I got this done without him. It’s going to be a surprise. He works enough and doesn’t need my shit to do. Since I was working solo I decided to listen to music. I was struggling and sweating quite a bit. Felt good. Took a couple hours to get 75% of what I wanted done. I realized some of it, I will need help with. Damn being a small chic sometimes.

Anyway, when I finished, I stopped and lay on my back on my deck. I stared at the sky as daylight started its Fade. Then, it started to sprinkle. It felt like heaven to lay there and stare at the sky, with small drops falling on me, and a warm breeze blowing. I watched all the trees and the clouds move to the music. “I’ve seen you come, oh I’ve watched you go…….”

Sigh. I want to see Good and Real stick around...not go. 

I started spinning up to the top of the trees, where the leaves were beginning to turn from green to red. Fall is coming, and the leaves will surely go soon. But right now they were dancing for me, to the music. I spun like that for a while, and then I sat up and turned off my iPod. I wanted to hear the tree music. The sound of the leaves blowing was as soothing as ocean waves. So I sat for a while longer; relaxing and thinking of the evening that would unfold.

Yesterday I said: I create all kinds of distractions. But today I thought: distractions serve no purpose. I feel purpose in almost everything I do. I guess that is why I do it. I feel some form of release or fulfillment, and nothing feels hollow or empty. I thanked God for this. And Buddha, and Yaweh, and the Universe…….aahhh……you’re all so wonderful.

Do I have a capacity or am I a bottomless well?

Sometimes, I don’t know where to End…….

Construction Junction

I ask myself; what’s in me? I feel it in there, every day and always. It’s so wonderful whatever it is, and I am thankful.

Today I woke up and thought, Celeste you know what it is. Why do you keep asking yourself that question? You know it is Love. It is Love…..it is Love. >LOVE<

I am so full with it for soo many people, and for the world and sky in general, that I have to remember to breathe deeply and calmly. I need to let it flow inside of me and not flood me. I don’t want to drown. This isn’t easy to remember sometimes, but I do believe I am getting better at it. Much better.

I have so many ideas and thoughts, and I feel so Alive sometimes that I want to give some of it away because I have enough. I want to spread it around so other people can feel what I feel. It feels so good sometimes I cry. I want to know how I cultivated it so intensely. I am blessed with Great friends that have also done this. I realize this makes me love them even more. We fill each other up in an endless and glorious game of love exchange. How Perfect. 

The energy I feel is me wanting to do something with this Love. So I think about what the universe has been saying. I think about all the puzzle pieces it has given me. I know I don’t have all the pieces yet, but I also know it won’t give me them all at once. I have to start building first. And so that is what I begin doing last night. I am building and building, and then, I begin to SEE something.

What I see gets me so excited. I wrote on my whiteboard months ago “I am pleased with myself when I CREATE something.” So that is what I am going to do. Of course I will need help, but God/Buddha/The Universe/Yaweh showed me that I have everything I need. I just have to get started. We have to get started.

I loved to build puzzles as a child. And here I am as an adult, loving it still.

Imagi-NATION

He says; you are so dramatic sometimes. Is this bad? I think he likes it in a way. Mostly I am “PLAY-ing.” All the world is a stage! My stage. No, OUR stage! Come on stage with me! I promise you will have so much fun. Trust me. If there is any one you can trust it is me. This is a Promise to all my friends. Love you all so much it hurts so good.

If ever a day I was mindful, it is this day. Super Full. Full to the tippy tippy top (sigh, when am I not?). And then there is a cherry floating there too of course…..precariously floating. Mmmm, cherries are so good. Cherries are so good someone said Life was a bowl of Cherries. I totally get why they said that now, I mean, Life and Cherries are both so Fucking Fantastic.

Shit, I keep having all these thoughts, close to understanding something greater kind of thoughts, and then they slip away! Just when I think I am on to something! Maybe that’s why I keep dreaming about balloons. Always I am trying to grab them, but they keep slipping away from me and drifting back into the sky? Maybe one day (or should I say night), I will dream that I grab them and can walk with them. That’s all I want to do.

I really am on to something with realizing I am an instrument...

Did you know there is an instrument called a Celeste? Well really a Celesta. It is like a mini piano type thing and I want one BAD! BAD and STAT. Some dude used it in his symphony’s final movement titled “The Planets!” and there was one in that movie “An American in Paris.” One day, I was an American in Paris. Well, it was more like 7 days or something like that. And I met this person, well I kinda knew him already, and he was even more badass than Paris, if you can imagine that!

So anyway, back to the instrument thing, the plot thickens. There is actually a sound in music that is used, called “Voix Celeste,” which means heavenly voice, which I do NOT have. Dammit! Voix Celeste is a sound tuned slightly sharp of true pitch. I thought hmmm…maybe this is what is wrong with me. I mean, truly I am not quite "right" over here. 

Not quite right over here…….

There’s that damn echo again! What the fuck is up with that?

QUESTion #7

What did you Give this day?

Revelations

Life life life life life life life life LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

IS

AMAZIng NESS!!!!!!!!!!

Ness Ness Ness……

Is there an echo in here?

I always have all this shit in my head! Who put it there? Did I?

“I’ve got a drumming noise inside my head………it makes such an almighty sound!”

My hands are shaking. My mind is racing. The best way to prepare for life is to start living. So that is what I do; everyday.

Am I nervous? What is this energy? I can’t stop kicking my leg as they are crossed beneath this desk. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself next. How did I get this way? What happened? Is everyone like this? Tell me that they are so I can feel better.

I best stay away from caffeine Miranda says. I will listen to her. She listened to me last night when I didn’t speak a word, but she heard me and came to my rescue. We were black holes and Sun salutations and mirrors to revelations; all in my living room, with the drums in the background.

Tim and Phil say what the hell are you girls doing? You Two are so badass they say. Miranda and I say, THEY are so badass. Then we say, WE ARE ALL SO BADASS! And this is true.

Did we really Hula Hoop and balance on our heads last night? Oh, we surely did as my hip and head are feeling the pain now. Oh, and don't forget the Yoga poses. Thanks Miranda. You are the coolest girl I ever knew.....

Tim brought me The Art of Power. How did he know I am all about understanding the Power? He said he always knew; I was always like that. And so was he….that is why I love him (them). If for a minute there I lost myself, surely I have found her again; buried beneath the Ruins. The beautiful Ruins……

“All Your Light can save me……….I can wait, I can wait, for my time to come…”

See. I am not alone the lyrics say. Take me to Portugal, take me to Spain. Can you take me there? Please? But not literally……do you know what I am meaning? Portugal. Spain. They are states of mind. Beautiful states of mind in my world. Portugal is Positive Power and Spain is Stunning Strength. It is like when you are very sad as a kid, and maybe scared too, and so you pretend you are in France eating chocolate. Except this is much more complicated I guess. And you are no longer pretending, and you realize you never have to leave France because there is nothing to fear.

The Crystal Ship is being filled……

“…before you slip into unconsciousness I’d like to have another kiss……..the days are bright and filled with pain and close me in your gentle rain…….Insane. We’ll meet again……..The Crystal Ship is being filled…”

See Jim knew…..he knew about the diamonds on the inside. Is My Jim one now too?? Like a diamond in the SKY! See! The lyrics are speaking to me again. Even that song knew about the diamonds on the inside going into the sky. Holy Fuck.

Tell me where your >FREEDOM< lies. If you do not know, you are better off dead; you are the walking dead. Too many walking dead around me I notice. I would like to jolt them with some Nano Juice. I sell that shit. I can slip it in their drinks or something. Transfect them with some Life and some Freedom. Some Portugal and some Spain. Some Love and Gentle Rain. With a side of crickets! Maybe that is the drumming noise inside my head. No….no. Crickets play a different instrument. I am but one small instrument. And so are they. But they can be so loud....hmmm...then so can I/WE.

I like it when I am on to something. It makes such an almighty sound!!!

NO Separation

September 13^th was my brother’s birthday. It was a Tuesday and he had his son. I made him a steak dinner, cleaned the mess, and got him a small piece of Smore cookie cake and a candle.

Cake and singing Happy Birthday is a must no matter what age you are.

I remember when he was a baby. I liked to pretend he was mine. I gave him my blue walking smurf, my favorite toy. I thought my mom loved him more than me and I could understand why. I loved him more than me too. I know my Dad loved him more, but again this didn’t bother me. Then I got older, and we fought a lot, as siblings do. Then I became a teenager and he followed right behind me, and something changed between us.

My Mom and Jim would fight, we stuck together. We were homeless, together. We were lost, together. We were scared, together. Later, we brought our groups of friends, together. We drank together. Got high together. Went to parties and raves together. Tried other drugs together. Got in a lot of trouble together. Learned about Life together. One time we both got very Hurt, together. And now, we are still....and close as ever. Does he know how much I love him?

VISION

Nothing all that “Great” in life comes from being practical. This is not to say it doesn’t serve a very important purpose in guiding our lives. Obviously it does (particularly at places like Costco). But quite possibly, we make the biggest mistakes in the name of practicality and what seems most “Sensible” or “Right” versus what is “True.” Life is a difficult language to speak. Life is a difficult code to decipher.

I would argue that the greatest things in life come from Passion and Desire; and of course the most tragic as well. But to ignore Passion and Desire, to avoid the effort of a fight, or fear failure, is to turn your back on Potential Greatness.

However, there is a fine line between following your heart and being foolish. Maybe Faith determines where you fall; maybe Courage and a lot of hard work. Maybe it is all three, and then a million other Life factors; a complex, yet beautiful equation to which we must assign meaning.

Some of us walk away from the things worth fighting for most in life. Then we spend our whole lives fighting for many things that do not matter much. Our inner vision, our perception blurs, and knowing what is worth fighting for isn’t crystal clear. Like using your eyes to see; we are undeniably lacking clarity. Especially where the heart is concerned; “Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes be an illusion…..”

So what is the answer? I am not sure there are any answers. There are just choices and decisions, and the life you live as a result. As long as you are happy and fulfilled with that life, then that is all that really matters.

“Nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard…..”

QUESTion#6

Who is the richest person you know; which person in your life has the most diamonds on the inside?

?Fiction?

While making my Green Tea this morning, I realized that I assign dual explanations to most things in the world; both Scientific and Fantastic explanations. I thoroughly enjoy assigning my own explanations more than you can imagine, and although I appreciate the Science behind many things, as Coldplay once said, “Science and Progress don’t speak as loud as my Heart…….”

So, we might as well start there; our Heartbeat.

Scientifically, a heartbeat is the noise made after a flow of blood moves through the heart and valves shut. But I say; it is also the rhythm of our soul. Which would explain why, when around someone we really like, it can sometimes beat faster. Souls can exchange energy, which causes each soul’s rhythm, or Heartbeat, to increase.

This theory also explains True Laughter more clearly, because as the soul gets too excited or happy, it releases some of the rhythm in the form of laughter so that your heart doesn’t have to handle all the energy on its own. Moreover, if the laughter is caused by someone you are with, you can show them that they made your heart/soul so full of energy that you had to smile and laugh.

This brings us to Tears (not literally). A scientist would say tears are secretions of the glands that clean and lubricate the eyes. Sure, but much more than that, they are a symbol and reminder of our vastness. That’s why they are salty. To remind us that like the ocean, we have a depth and seemingly limitless horizon inside of us, and sometimes we need a release, happy or sad, and so we cry.

Let’s move to Nature; how about rainbows? A rainbow is the spectrum of light created when the Sun shines onto droplets of moisture in the Earth’s atmosphere. But I would say a Rainbow is a messenger. It reminds us that those beautiful colors are there all the time. We just can’t always see them. A rainbow’s purpose is to communicate that our vision is limited, and our world is so much more than we see.

Then there is the sky; the glorious sky. This non scientific explanation was influenced by Ben Harper and his song “Diamonds on the Inside.” I relate to what he is trying to say and I often think of those awesome people I know and love, and how much I appreciate their diamonds on the inside. I think that some of us are so diamond rich on the inside, that we have to let some of that richness out into the world again. The energy in the form of diamonds leaves us to go back into the sky; which clearly explains all the stars. Luminous balls of diamond plasma. And of course our Sun is the result of Jesus’ diamonds being let out, as he was the most diamond rich of us all, and that’s obviously why we call it the “Sun” (Son).

I could go on forever, so I will end with our lovely sky. Which quite possibly we will all end with one day when we have to give back all the diamonds we’ve earned and collected through the years. Make a big deposit when it’s Time….

Retrospection

I have a memory from my childhood that I am certain is mine, but my Mother will tell you it isn’t possible for me to have this memory. I suppose she is right, and it must have been a dream, but how can a dream stay with you for so long that it feels like a memory…?

I am 5 years old. I am sitting on my bed. I am also sitting on my hands. The patch quilt my mom made me covers my bed. I love this quilt. It is my favorite possession. My bedroom is the last room in the hallway of our trailer. My brother’s crib is across from me and I am watching it. He is in it and asleep. My bedroom door is open and I look to my left and down the hallway to see what my mom is doing. She is sitting on our couch, hunched over, long black hair covering her face. I know she is crying and I think I know why.

I look to my right, where the fourth wall of my bedroom is missing. My Dad sealed this part of the room off with a heavy, thick construction plastic. There is a corner that has fallen, but since it is summer, I am not worried about it. I can see the sky through this fallen corner of the plastic. It is blue. I can see part of a cloud as well. This makes me feel better and so I get an idea to make my Mom feel better too. I get up, pull the whole plastic cover down, then I sit back on my bed. I clasp my hands in my lap and I stare out into our yard and into the sky. I am so happy that I decided to take down the plastic.

I realize my Mom doesn’t notice what I’ve done so I call down the hallway to her. She doesn’t hear me, and she never notices that I took down the plastic for her.

Illusion

She awoke slowly and could feel she was in the arms of someone who loved her. She could tell by the feeling of comfort. She turned her head to look at his face, but He was three men at once, and this startled her. Suddenly, she felt a sense of urgency, and she sat up quickly. She realized she was in the bed she slept in as a teenager. She was in her room as a teenager. She looked through the bedroom doorway, which was supposed to lead into her brother’s room, but instead it lead to a living room. Various people from her past were scattered throughout the space, sleeping.

She leapt out of the bed and to her feet. He asked her if she was OK and if she was back from where she had gone? She didn’t understand Him, but at the same time, she understood Him. He was The Protector. He was doing his job. She loved him for this. She turned to look at herself in the dresser mirror, her dresser mirror. She was stunned to see someone with sandy blonde hair, bangs, blue eyes, and lips not her own. The reflection was not hers and she felt more lost than ever. She also realized she had no memory of anything recent. She wasn’t sure how she got here or what happened the night before, but she knew something of significance took place.

She looked back at Him and He said; you are beautiful. The Protector was gone. This was The Catalyst speaking now. She knew he meant what he said, but what scared her was that she didn’t know what face He saw. And so she ran downstairs.

When she got into the kitchen it was full of the same people from the living room. Now they were awake; eating and talking to one another. When they saw her, she could tell they were looking at her strangely. She didn’t understand why and this was unsettling. So she ran through the front door, and into the night. She was in a yard she did not know. She looked up at the sky and it began to rain. Then it began to storm and the whole yard started to flood. It filled with water and became a deep pool almost instantly, and now all those same people were there swimming around her. They were making it a whirlpool and it was making it difficult for her to keep her head above the water. She wanted them to stop, but they were laughing, having fun, and didn’t notice that she was drowning.

Suddenly Time sucked everything dry and there was only pavement and she was cold and laying on it. A huge truck was driving towards her, but she was paralyzed and couldn’t move out of its path. It drove on top of her and she pushed up on the tires as hard as she could, and to her complete amazement, she flipped the truck over and away from her. The ease with which she did this was odd, and she knew something was very wrong. Was she dreaming, hallucinating….??

She is in an empty garage now, the truck which she overturned is gone, and she turns to see everyone behind her, just staring. She can’t tell what their faces are saying, so she gets up and heads out of the garage and toward the day light. She makes it out of the garage and looks up at the sky. It is bright out, sunny, warm. She has no idea where she is, and she is lost more than ever. At the same time she is happy to be alone and standing in the sun. She doesn’t know which way to go, so she stands still. She looks down at her hands and knows that something is missing.

eMOTION

I spent the day talking with someone wonderful, not to mention a sincere and true friend. We were discussing Life in general, how much we have learned over the years, and how much we appreciate what we once took for granted. I was touched that he thought I was a huge influence on his own depth and realizations. To say I learned a lot from him as well would be an understatement. Gratitude.

Like begets like, and so the gratitude within me became even greater….lovely.  

I also spoke with someone I haven’t seen in years. She was with her son, who is now 2 ½. There was something in her eyes and smile, and I could tell she was very happy from the inside out. She was beautiful, from the inside out. It was very touching, and I liked her presence. Motherhood.

Next, I ran into a former customer who was, after all these years, still coming into the Diner after his Karate session, having his coffee, chatting with his friends, and then heading on with his day happy as a clam. Simplicity.

I went to my first college game at Heinz Field. I was kept very busy watching all the different groups – the Cheerleaders, the Dance Team, the Band, the Student Fans, the Older Fans, the Security, the Vendors, and of course the Players. Everyone was doing their own part to make the game culture what it is. I was thoroughly entertained watching this dynamic. The Plays on the field were just a part of the bigger picture that we miss when at home on our couch. Energy.

Later, when at Lowe’s carrying Maddox, he and I laughed at each other, just for the sake of laughing. Forehead to forehead at times, laughing harder at each other as we both continued to laugh. What an amazing feeling. Love.

Basically I floated in a mist of positive emotions the whole day. Hmmm…that is exactly what it was….A Whole Day.  

QUESTion#5

What is one of your favorite memories and did you save a memento of it?

reCOLLECTION

Tonight I cleaned out the drawers of my dressers and found a new place for all my shit. Soon my bedroom furniture will be gone, so I will have to adopt a new morning routine. The whole time I’m organizing, I keep wondering, how did I slowly acquire so many Tshirts? I will tell you how, every concert and city I went to, I got a T shirt. What the hell was I thinking? Half of them suck and I never wear them. Some of them are cool though. Especially if they are that soft T shirt material, I wear the shit out of those. The others, I keep as some ridiculous memento of….what?? Hey I was here, I saw blah blah blah. Whoopie. The experience is stored in my head so why did I get this stupid T shirt?? Dumb. Hey, that would be kind of funny to put on a T shirt!

Oh, and guess what, most of the T shirts I still saved! What the hell am I going to do with myself?

Ugh.

Anyway, it feels good that I got that taken care of. I only have a couple more nights in my bed. The lady might buy my mattress too, but I think I may decide to keep it. Go back to sleeping on a mattress on the floor. I did that for most of my life anyway, so it should be a cool kind of nostalgic regression. Hmmmm….

So in addition to the T shirts I saved a bunch of other dumb shit. Plane tickets, concert tickets, museum tickets, movie tickets, tea fortunes, Chinese fortunes, old letters, cards etc, etc. I am not sure how I feel about these mementos. It was kind of cool to find them, but at the same time, I thought, what the fuck do I save this shit for? And still, I didn’t throw any of it away. Ridiculous.

If I ever leave this house I will miss it. I remember when I first moved into it, what a fucking trip. For over a year I lived in a hell-hole construction zone. I was so motivated then. I am still pretty motivated, but then I was just nuts. I would get up at 6am, run 8 miles, shower, go to work until 6pm, come home, sand, paint, poly, stain, scrub, strip, you name it, until 2am. Then repeat over again. I did this for over a year straight! Plus I worked every damn weekend, and had been for years. What the fuck was I taking?? I think I was possessed. The me then, compared to the me now, is a lazy POS. I am like a spoiled brat now. Every weekend off! Most evenings I am free to do as I please. I am so lucky now.  

Back to this house; I really do love it. It’s like my friend. It totally has a soul. I feel so safe in it too. Sometimes I don’t lock my doors because I feel like there is a force field around it and it is impermeable to criminals or anything bad for that matter. Well, except for those stink bugs we had last year. They kept getting in, and then one day they just disappeared. I think that was the first time I was ever truly mad at my house. I remember thinking, why are you letting these horrid things in!? What is funny is that most bugs I don’t even kill, I put them back outside. But those fuckers, I hated. I am so glad they magically disappeared, but for weeks straight, damn if I didn’t kill one every day. Disgusting.

I am going to the Diner in the morning for breakfast. I can’t wait for that. I haven’t been there in forever! I can’t wait to give Mike a hug. I hope he knows I still think of him and his family often. We kicked ass working together. We were an awesome Team. And we had fun, laughing most of the day. Making jokes and fucking around. Good times.

I think I will get a veggie omelet when I go. Mmmm. That sounds so good. Doused in ketchup! Heinz ketchup! Diner coffee….awesome. I wonder who I will see? I wonder how I will feel? I always get a little anxious before I go. I am stepping back in time. It feels so odd, but so good, but kind of sad, but still good, and then a little weird, I get flash backs, I miss certain things so much, and then time to go, and then I think, huh, well that was nice, and interesting.

I guess that’s life….nice and interesting.